Ep 152: When Everyone Else Needs Coaching (Spoiler: It Might Be You)

Have you ever been convinced that someone you love needs coaching? While you may not be wrong–I haven't met a human yet that wouldn’t benefit from having a coach–in my experience, the person who thinks everyone else needs coaching is often the one who will gain the most from it. Today, we’re going to talk about why that’s actually great news.

When you work on yourself first–your boundaries, your confidence, your needs–it has a ripple effect on the people in your life. Focusing on the one thing you can control (you!) often causes others to make shifts in response to your change. 

It's natural to want your loved ones to experience the freedom of living as their favorite versions of themselves, but that love starts to feel like criticism the second you start pointing out what they need to work on. In this episode, we're going to explore what to do when you think everyone else in your life needs coaching or therapy, and why looking in the mirror might be exactly the breakthrough you've been waiting for.

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Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hey there, welcome back to Your Favorite You.

I'm Melissa Parsons and I'm so glad you're here with me today. This morning I had the most interesting conversation with an acquaintance of mine. I walked into a class that I had signed up for and she said that she had been thinking of me on her drive to class. She has a child that she thinks could really benefit from coaching and was thinking about reaching out to me for help. My loves, this is such a common conversation I've had with the most beautiful humans over the past five years of being a coach.

Someone contacts me convinced that their husband or their mom or their sister or their teenager or maybe all of those people in their life need coaching. And here's the thing, they're not wrong. That person that they're worried about probably would benefit from coaching.

As I've said before many times and will continue to say, I really haven't met a human yet that would not benefit in many ways from coaching. But you know what else I've discovered after years of doing this work?

The person who thinks everyone else needs coaching, they're usually the one who needs it and will benefit from it the most. I know, I know. This might stink. a little. And a lot of the best coaching can be a little bit stingy.

But stick with me because actually, this is really good news. Today, we're going to talk about what to do when you think everyone else in your life needs coaching or therapy, and why looking in the mirror might be exactly the breakthrough you've been waiting for.

Let me tell you about a conversation that I had recently that was similar to the brief one I had this morning because I bet you're going to see yourself in it. Another mom reached out to me because she's frustrated with her teenage daughter. The kiddo isn't following through on her commitments to mom. She seems unmotivated, and mom feels like she's constantly nagging her. Does that sound familiar? She was convinced that if her lovely daughter could just work with a coach, learn some accountability skills, maybe get some clarity on her goals, everything would improve. And listen, she might be right about that. But when I gently suggested that she as the mom might be the person who would benefit most from coaching, there was a long pause on the phone.

Here's what I've noticed. We can see other people's problems so clearly. It's like we have this incredible 20/20 vision or maybe even better when it comes to what our loved ones need to work on. Just ask my hubby. I can see all of his issues so clearly. I hope you're laughing on your way to work about this, honey. If not, call me when you get there. So, of course, you can see that your partner needs to communicate better. Your mom needs boundaries with her family. Your sister should stop people-pleasing. Your teenager needs more motivation. And we default to focusing on them because honestly, it feels easier and safer than looking at ourselves. There's this illusion of control like if they just change, everything would be better. If they would just do the work, our lives would be so much smoother.

And listen, it makes complete sense that you think this way. You're not broken. You're not wrong for noticing when others need to work on things and what they need to work on. You're human. We all do this. First though, I want to acknowledge something really important. When you start changing your life for the better, when you start doing this work, maybe setting boundaries, doing the work to become a favorite version of yourself, it's perfectly natural to want everyone you love to experience that same freedom. That desire that you have for them, that is pure love. You see your mom struggling with people pleasing and you think, oh my gosh, she needs to learn about boundaries. You watch your partner burning out from overworking and you think, oh, they need to hear more about rest and the importance of self-care.

That impulse comes from the most beautiful place. You love them and you want to feel as good as you're starting to feel. But here's where it gets tricky. The moment we start expressing that to them, the moment that we start suggesting or hinting or quote unquote helpfully pointing out what they need to work on, love becomes criticism and criticism does not feel like love.

I still do this. Just ask my family, I am not perfect at this, not even close. It's become part of what I call my spiral parking garage ramp of healing. You know, I've talked about this multiple times, you can listen to previous episodes about it, but this is how healing works. You keep circling back to the same lesson, but each time on a higher level. I need to do it less and less as I heal, but I'm still working on it.

So here's the question I try to ask myself and the one I gently pose to my potential client on the consult and what I wish I would have said to my friend this morning. What is their behavior bringing up for you? What is the other person's behavior bringing up for you? The teenager that won't follow through, maybe it's bringing up your own perfectionism and fear of what others will think. The partner who doesn't communicate well, maybe it's highlighting your own difficulty with boundaries or asking for what you need. The family member who's always negative, maybe that's showing you places where you're not managing your own energy and emotions. None of this means that you're responsible for their behavior. You're not, but you are responsible for how you respond to it. And that my friends is where your power lives.

Of course, there is always nuance to this and everything that I talk about, because there literally is nuance to everything. You don't have to make yourself wrong if you notice that you're still doing this, even if you've already been working on it. You don't have to get frustrated with yourself or being frustrated with others ever. It's just a place where you want to be curious with yourself. Asking yourself with so much love, why do I keep doing this? What's in it for me? How is what I'm doing keeping me safe somehow.

Here's what I know, almost for sure, after coaching so many different brilliant women. It is not possible to coach someone who does not want to be coached. You cannot change someone who does not want to change. And if and when they do decide that they want to be coached, or they do decide that they want to change, the change is so much more profound because it was their idea, not anyone else's.

Here's another plot twist that we've kind of already talked about. When you change everything around you shifts. I had a client who was convinced that her husband needed anchor management therapy. She spent months trying to get him in to see a therapist. She suggested meditation apps. She kept leaving self help books all around the house. Nothing worked and she became exhausted from trying. When she started working with me, finally, we focused on her boundaries and her responses to his anger. She stopped walking on eggshells. She stopped trying to manage his emotions. And she started taking care of her own needs within a few months. Once, he was naturally calmer around her. She didn't change him, she changed herself, and he responded differently.

Another client was sure her adult daughter needed confidence coaching. The daughter was kind of stuck in her career, anxious about all of her decisions, and my client was constantly giving advice, suggesting resources, trying all these different ways to boost her confidence. When we worked together, my lovely client learned to stop giving unsolicited advice and just started listening and supporting. And guess what naturally happened? Her daughter started sharing more, making her own decisions, and asking for input from her mom when she wanted it. It's not magic. It is not manipulation. It's just that when you show up differently, other people respond differently. When you stop trying to control them, you truly can have more influence.

So let's get practical. Instead of asking, how do I get them to change, which, let's be honest, never works anyway, try these questions. What is their behavior triggering in me? What am I trying to control here? What would I do if I knew I couldn't change them? And how do I want to show up regardless of what they do? These are the questions that lead to change, change in you, which ripples out to everyone around you.

And remember, this does not have to be A+ work, my friends. B- is just fine. You don't have to become amazing at this overnight. Maybe you catch yourself trying to coach your husband three times this week instead of 10. That's progress. Ask me how I know.

Maybe you bite your tongue when your mom starts complaining about your dad instead of jumping in with suggestions. That's growth. So here's what I want to invite you to try this week. First, just notice when you're focused on changing others. No judgment, just awareness. Ah, here I go again thinking about what they should do. Second, ask yourself one of those coaching questions and you can pick the one that resonates the most or you can make your own question to remind you the questions that I suggested are, what is their behavior triggering in me?

What am I trying to control here? What would I do if I knew I couldn't change them? And how do I want to show up regardless of what they do? Third thing, identify one thing you can change about how you show up in the relationship. Maybe it's setting a boundary. Maybe it's stopping with the unsolicited advice. Maybe it's managing your own emotional reactions. Try it for a week or for two or for 10 and see what happens.

So back to my convo this morning. Do I think her child could benefit from coaching? Absolutely. And do I think she could see bigger changes in her family dynamics if she did some of the work first? Also, absolutely. And here's why this is the best news ever. You don't have to wait for anyone else to be ready to change to start feeling better. You don't have to convince anyone to go to therapy or to hire a coach or to read or listen to a self-help book. You can start right where you are with what you have control over, which of course is you.

So if you're one of us who has been thinking that everyone else in your life needs coaching, I want to give you permission to consider that maybe you're the one ready for that next level of growth. And that's not a criticism. That's recognition of your readiness to become a favorite version of yourself. If this episode hit home for you and you're thinking, okay, maybe I am the one who could use some coaching, I would love to talk to you.

You can reach out to me through my website at MelissaParsonsCoaching.com, or you can send me a DM on Instagram or Facebook, and we can see if we're a good fit to work together. Until next time, you cannot control them, but you can become a favorite version of you.

And that can change everything. Thanks for listening. See y'all next week.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!