Ep 151: When to Strive? When to Rest?

Most high-achieving women have gotten to where they are by checking the boxes and making things happen. If this is you, you’ve probably also worked to balance those overdeveloped striving parts with your significantly underdeveloped resting parts.

But what happens when life throws a curveball and suddenly everything feels hard again? Do you push harder and abandon the rest you've fought to prioritize, or is there another way?

If you’ve been working on slowing down but still face challenges that threaten to pull you back into hustle mode, this episode is for you. Because here’s the thing: you don’t have to choose. You can be successful and take care of yourself. You can achieve your goals and be fully present in your life.

Something magical happens when these opposing parts take a both-and stance instead of an either-or stance. The goal isn't to silence either voice or to perfectly balance them, but to heal what they're protecting underneath. In this episode, we’ll explore what it looks like to operate from self and help these parts heal so they can collaborate instead of fighting with each other.

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Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hey there beautiful humans, welcome back to Your Favorite You.

I am still your host, life coach extraordinaire, Melissa Parsons. Today I want to start with a question. What happens when you've done a lot of work to balance your overdeveloped striving parts with your significantly underdeveloped resting parts, but then life throws you a curveball and suddenly everything falls hard again?

Do you go back to the old way of doing things? Do you push harder and abandon the rest you've fought so hard to prioritize or is there another way? If you're someone who's been working on slowing down, creating more spaciousness in your life, and now you're facing challenges that make you wonder if you need to go back to hustling and grinding, this episode is for you.

Let me tell you what's been happening for me lately because I think it perfectly illustrates this tension between striving and resting when life gets challenging. I'm realizing that I could have ridden into the sunset of my career as a pediatrician. I was really good at it. I knew what I was doing. It was predictable and stable and comfortable. I had 22 years of experience. And I really could have coasted for the next however many years until retirement. And I didn't know this at the time. And instead of letting it be easy, instead of staying in that successful, comfortable place, I chose unconsciously to make it hard again. I chose the unknown of entrepreneurship. I left a secure and generally well-paying job to become a life coach.

Here's the thing. At first, being an entrepreneur felt surprisingly easy. I had unknowingly built an audience through my work as a pediatrician. There were people who already knew me, they already liked me, they already trusted me. So when I became a coach, these people were ready to work with me. They were like, Dr. Parsons is now a coach? Okay, sign me up.

And I remember thinking, wow, I've really figured out this entrepreneurship thing. This is going to be so easy and smooth. And there was this honeymoon phase where it was too easy. But now, several years later, I'm facing new challenges.

Some of the things that have happened in the online world has shifted dramatically in the past five years since the pandemic. The people who are going to work with me from my pediatrician days have largely done that now. And I have to figure out how to find and work with new people who don't already know me. And here's where it gets interesting. My significantly overdeveloped striving parts are absolutely pissed at me.

They're like, see, this is what happens when you prioritize rest. This is what happens when you create so much spaciousness in your life. This is what happens when you consistently sleep 10 hours at night and go to bed at 8.30.

You need to get back to work. You need to hustle. You need to grind. Meanwhile, my resting parts, the ones that I've been working so hard to develop over the past several years are like, but wait. We finally have balance. We finally feel good in our body. We finally have energy and joy and presence. Don't abandon us now. And I'm having this internal wrestling match. And I'm betting some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Here's what I know about you brilliant women who are listening to this podcast. You probably have gotten where you are today through striving, through pushing, achieving, checking the boxes, making things happen.

And you develop these incredibly strong striving parts because they worked. You got the grades, you got into the schools, you got the jobs, you built the career, you created your family, and your striving parts have served you very well.

But let's talk about where this came from because I think it's important to understand the generational context here. Many of us have parents or grandparents who had to strive to survive. Maybe they were immigrants who came to this country with nothing and had to work multiple jobs just to put food on the table.

Maybe they lived through the Great Depression or they were first generation college students who knew that education was their only way out of living paycheck to paycheck. Maybe they lived through another economic hardship where working constantly wasn't optional.

It was literal survival. These amazing people, our parents, our grandparents, worked in strives so that we wouldn't have to do the same. They sacrificed their rest, their play, and their leisure time so that we could have opportunities that they never had.

So here's what's both beautiful and complicated about this. We inherited their work ethic, but we didn't necessarily inherit the survival circumstances that required it. So now we have these incredibly strong striving parts that were passed down to us. And we're living in circumstances where we might actually have the privilege to rest. And I do realize it's a privilege. So the privilege to rest, to play, to choose when to push and when to pull back.

But these striving parts are still operating like our survival depends on constant work. It's kind of like we're driving a race car at race car speeds on a quiet neighborhood street. The racecar isn't wrong. It was designed for speed, but the context has changed and the racecar hasn't realized it yet.

So here's what I think is really beautiful about this work we're doing. We get to be the generation that breaks this pattern.

We get to be the ones who show our own kids that you can be ambitious and you can rest. You can work hard and you can play. You can achieve things and you can be present for your life. We can dilute the striving and increase the resting and playing with each generation if we choose to.

Our parents might have modeled something like work is everything, rest is lazy, play is frivolous, and we get to model work is important and rest is essential. Achievement matters and so does joy. You can be successful and you can take care of yourself.

Our kids will hopefully model this for their kids. Work and rest are both natural parts of life. You can trust yourself to know what you need when you need it. This isn't about dishonoring our parents' sacrifices. On the contrary, this is about honoring them by using the opportunities they created for us to live more balanced lives. They worked so hard so that we could have choices. Now let's actually make those choices.

So you learned to work hard, to achieve, to push through. Your striving parts served you incredibly well. But then maybe through life experiences or maybe you've had some coaching or some therapy, you realize that this constant striving was burning you out and you started to do the work to balance those overdeveloped striving parts with your underdeveloped resting parts.

You learned to say no, you learned to start prioritizing sleep, you began setting boundaries, you discovered what you actually enjoy doing for fun, and you created more spaciousness in your life. But then life lifed and challenges arose because they always do, and those striving parts panic.

They're thinking, this proves rest doesn't work. This proves we need to go back to the old way. Your brain will try to convince you that you have only two choices. So going back to burnout level striving or accepting failure and struggle.

And I want you to know there's a third option that your brain doesn't want to consider, and that is learning to navigate challenges from your new, more balanced place. These striving parts aren't the enemy. They're not trying to sabotage your balance. They're always trying to protect you. They remember when hard work solved problems. They remember when pushing through got results. But underneath all that striving, there are probably some vulnerabilities they're protecting.

Maybe it's a fear that you're not enough unless you're achieving, or it's a worry that people will abandon you if you're not constantly proving your worth. And those resting parts you've been developing? They're not trying to make you complacent either. They know you need sustainability. They remember what burnout felt like, the exhaustion, the resentment, the feeling like you were running on empty all the time.

But they might also be protecting some vulnerabilities, maybe a deep exhaustion that never got acknowledged or a fear that if you keep pushing, you'll lose yourself completely. Both of these parts have valid concerns.

Both are trying to help you and both are protecting something tender underneath. And here's what's beautiful about this work. In a self-led system, your compassionate self can heal the vulnerabilities that these extreme parts are protecting so that they can relax a little bit.

When your striving parts trust that you're inherently worthy and lovable, they don't have to work so hard to prove it. And when you're resting parts trust that you'll take care of yourself, they don't have to shut everything down to force you to rest.

And then something magical can happen where these opposing parts take a both-and stance instead of an either-or stance. Instead of we must strive or we must rest, it becomes we can work hard and make time for rest. The goal isn't to silence either voice or to perfectly balance them. It's to heal what they're protecting underneath so that they can collaborate instead of fighting with each other.

And then there's this other layer that I think is really important. It's not just about learning when to strive and when to rest. It's also questioning what you're striving for in the first place. So I have this lovely, amazing client who has always had having a large house on her list of dreams. She's carried the school for years. She's worked toward it. She's planned for it. But now that her kids are older and getting ready to go off and live their own lives, a large house doesn't make much sense for her and her family anymore.

It would honestly just be more space to maintain, more debt to carry, really for like a stage that's already passed. But she's really struggling to take that dream off her list, and she told me something like, I'm worried that I'll have failed if I don't get the big house. I'm worried that it means I gave up on my dreams. This hit me hard because here's an amazing woman who's doing the work to grow and evolve, whose life circumstances have changed, whose priorities have shifted, and she's afraid that adapting to those changes means she's failing.

This is what unconscious striving looks like. It's pursuing goals not because they still serve us, but because we put them on a list once and we're afraid that changing course means we're quitters. But here's how I coached her and what I want to tell you. It's not a failure to let go of dreams that no longer fit in your life. That's wisdom. That's growth. That's being responsible to who you are now instead of being stuck on who you were when you first set this goal.

Maybe you wanted the corner office when you were single and ambitious and willing to work 60-hour weeks. But now you have kids and you value flexibility more than that status that the corner office brings.

Choosing a different path isn't failure, it's alignment. Maybe you wanted to run a marathon or compete in an Iron Man when you were in your 20s and your body could handle that kind of training. But now you're in your 40s and you'd rather do yoga and go hiking on the weekends.

Changing your fitness goals isn't giving up, it's honoring where you are now. Maybe you wanted to build a huge business empire when you thought that's what success looked like. But now you've realized that you want a smaller, more sustainable practice that gives you time for other things that you love.

Scaling back in this case isn't settling, it's choosing what actually matters to you. Part of trusting yourself to know when to strive and when to rest is also trusting yourself to know what's worth striving for in the first place and being willing to question it.

So what does it actually look like to operate from self and help these parts heal and collaborate? First, let me be clear, if I haven't already, this isn't about perfectly managing your parts or always getting the balance right. You probably have a manager part that thinks you can do that. It's about developing a relationship with yourself where you can recognize what's happening internally and respond with more compassion. It means asking yourself questions like, what are my striving parts afraid of right now?

What do my resting parts need me to know? What vulnerability might be underneath this urgency to work? What would it look like to both honor my ambition and my need for sustainability? Here's the thing, when you're operating from self, the answer often becomes both and instead of either or.

Instead of I have to choose between working hard and taking care of myself, it becomes how can I work hard and make time for rest? Instead of I have to choose between achieving my goals and being present for my life, it becomes, how can I pursue what matters to me and stay connected to what I love?

Sometimes that might look like working intensely during certain hours, but completely disconnecting afterwards. Sometimes it might look like pushing through a challenging project, but scheduling real downtime on the other side. Sometimes it might look like striving for something important while also building in play and joy along the way. The key is making these choices from a compassionate self place where you can hold both truths, that you have big dreams and you need sustainable practices to achieve them.

So here's what I'm trying right now with my business challenge. Instead of going back to the old way of hustling and grinding, I'm asking, how can I approach this challenge from self? How can I hold both my desire to grow my business and my commitment to my sustainable practices?

Some days that looks like working intensely on finding new ways to reach people. I might spend time researching, strategizing, creating content, but I'm doing it from curiosity and creativity rather than desperation and fear.

Other days it looks like resting and trusting that the solutions will emerge. I might go for a longer walk, read my book for a little while longer, take a bath, take time to have lunch with a friend.

I'm not forcing myself to work when my system needs to recharge. What's different now is I'm not swinging between the extremes. I'm not in work all the time mode or rest all the time mode. I'm learning to hold both, to work hard and to make time for rest, to pursue my goals and to take care of myself.

And if I'm being honest with myself, if I'm in one camp more than the other, it's rest all the time mode than it is work all the time. And the challenge isn't the problem, you guys. The challenge is an opportunity to practice operating from self, where I can hold multiple truths at once and respond to what's actually needed instead of what my extreme parts think is needed.

So maybe you're facing challenges in your career, your relationships, your health, your family, and maybe those old striving parts are telling you to definitely abandon the balance you've worked so hard to create.

Maybe your striving parts are saying, we need to work nights and weekends to get ahead. We need to say yes to everything or people forget about us. We need to be perfect or we'll lose everything we've built.

And maybe your resting parts are saying, but wait, we're finally happy. We're finally relaxed. We finally feel good. Don't make us go back to the old way. I want to invite you to consider that you don't have to choose between striving and resting.

You get to choose when to do each based on what you need and what the situation calls for. Where in your life are you being called to trust your internal wisdom about when to push and when to pull back? What would it look like to navigate your current challenges without a the parts of yourself that you've been working to develop. How can you honor both your ambition and your needs for sustainability?

Maybe it's setting boundaries at work while also taking on a challenging project you're excited about. Maybe it's resting more on the weekends while working more efficiently during the week. Maybe it's saying no to some social obligations that no longer light you up while saying yes to the opportunities that truly do.

The answers are gonna be different for each of you and they're going to change as your life changes. That's why trusting your internal wisdom is so much more powerful than following someone else's rules about productivity and rest.

You don't need a perfect system for when to strive and when to rest. You don't need someone else's rules. When you operate from self, you can hold both truths that you have big dreams and that you need sustainable practices to achieve them.

The challenges don't mean that you're doing life wrong. They don't mean that you need to go back to your old way of doing things. There are opportunities to practice being your favorite you, even when things get hard, or especially when things get hard.

Sometimes your favorite you needs to work intensely, sometimes your favorite you needs to rest deeply, sometimes your favorite you needs to do both in the same day, and all of that is allowed. If you're struggling with this balance or if you find yourself stuck in any other type of black and white thinking, either I'm working or I'm lazy, either I'm successful or I'm failing, either I have it all figured out or I'm a mess,

That's exactly the kind of work that we can do together in coaching. And I'm happy to be your guide as you learn to operate for yourself and help your parts and hearts heal and collaborate. If this resonates with you, I'd love to hear how you're navigating the balance between striving and resting in your life.

Share with me on Instagram at Coach Melissa Parsons, MD. And remember, you can trust yourself to know what you need when you need it. When you're operating from self, the answer is both-and instead of either-or.

Okay, talk to you all next week.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!