Ep 150: From Self-Sabotage to Self-Protection: Why Every Part of You Is On Your Side with Maggie Reyes

I’m thrilled to be joined by my coach and one of my dearest friends for the 150th episode of the Your Favorite You podcast! Maggie Reyes has been on the show several times before, and I’m so glad she's back today to discuss procrastination, redefining self-sabotage, and the “loving SmackDowns” we all need sometimes when we’re stuck in our own perspective.

When we pass up an opportunity or go slower than expected, we tend to label it as self-sabotage. But what would happen if we viewed it as self-protection instead? What if we recognized that every part of us is on our side? This shift opens the door for more compassion, clarity, and a deeper relationship with yourself.

In this episode, we’ll dive into this topic and more, discovering that the protective part of us emerges for a reason and it’s there to help you on your journey to becoming your favorite you. 

Maggie Reyes is a Master Certified Life Coach and Modern Marriage Mentor who specializes in teaching Marriage Relationship Skills to type A women who want to know how to feel better in their marriages using a feminist, compassionate, cognitive behavioral approach to marriage and relationships.

While every epic love story is unique, her coaching programs offer insights, tools, and guidance  to help you navigate your marriage with greater awareness, empathy, and power. Learn more at MaggieReyes.com.

Click HERE to get the full show notes.

Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Melissa

Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Your Favorite You. I am joined by one of my repeat guests and my coach and one of my dearest friends at this point in my life. You all know her as the marvelous Maggie Reyes. Do you want to say hi, Maggie?

Maggie

Hi Maggie. Is anybody old enough to remember that? Oh my god, we're such nerds. And I'm here for it. I'm here for it. Oh my gosh. What was it, Gracie Allen? She used to say... It's a thing from like the 40s, I think. Yeah. Watching with our grandparents. Yeah, people aren't old enough to know what that is. It's a thing.

Melissa

It's a thing. It's a thing. Maggie and I were talking actually on one of my recent coaching calls because I have found myself struggling with what I would call procrastination. And as I think I've said before on the podcast, I am studying a new way to help people called internal family systems. And if you've never heard of that, you may have also heard of something called parts work and Maggie and I were talking about that. And I think we were also in that call, Maggie, you can correct me if I'm wrong as usual, talking about how I have intentionally created all of this spaciousness in my life and in my business and how for those of us who aren't used to resting and taking time to play and taking time to take care of ourselves in a deep and meaningful way. It can feel very unsettling when what you have been striving for and working toward kind of feels foreign and not really in line with who you used to be. And you have had to lovingly correct me multiple times over the past several months about how no, no, no, we're not going to make all this space and time that you have in your life now something that we're going to be wrong about or ashamed about. So I think we were just kind of, we were talking, you were coaching me and the idea of procrastination and self-sabotage came up and you in your very Maggie way, who, I mean, always offers nuance and like looking at this way or looking at that way, or what do you think about this and just kind of poking holes. But sometimes, you know, in my coaching, my getting coached, I need someone to, like, and say, like, a loving Smackdown. And you said something like, you know, I am not here to entertain the idea of self-sabotage anymore. And I was like, yeah, like co-signed. And so I'm curious, you know, you said that and I basically was like, we should do a podcast on this. And we agreed to it and here we are. And I'm sure we talked about it some more during that call, but do you care to say a little bit more about why you're anti the idea of self-sabotage?

Maggie

I do, actually, it would be really funny if I was like, no, I have nothing to say in the episode. It was like four minutes long. But I do. So first of all, yeah. So sometimes we all need loving Smackdowns right from our friends, from our coaches, from our mentors, from our partner. You know, like sometimes we just need to snap out of it. So just to say that it's always like so much love. But yeah, we all need it, including me. And so you had said something about self-sabotage. And my current hypothesis is, and I didn't like make this up. Like this is I think this is something I agree with that is sort of in the ethers, as I like to say. But that whenever I hear the word self-sabotage, I replace it for self-protection.

And because I do that, I'm just no longer available to support the narrative around self-sabotage. Like when we slow ourselves down, when we don't take an opportunity, when something happens that we would label self-sabotage, my sort of life coach challenge to everyone listening is if you relabel that self-protection, what do you see, what comes up, what do you notice, like what arises in that opportunity to reframe it or we're rebranding self-sabotage. And for me, like self-sabotage never led me anywhere. Like it's kind of like complaining, which I think is something we've talked about over the years in different ways. I don't know if we recorded it on a podcast, but it's like at the end of a complaint, nothing happens. Like if the soup is cold and it's supposed to be warm and I'm just like the soup is cold, this is terrible, like nothing happens. But if I, at the end of a complaint, I replace that with a request and like the soup is cold, I'd really love it to be warm, can we microwave soup? Something changes, like something can grow or change or you get a result that you want more. And I think there's a parallel there in my brain around at the end of self-sabotage, I just like torture myself emotionally, right? Yeah, I feel bad. You feel bad, right? I feel bad and then I feel worse. I feel bad because of the thing that I didn't do and then I feel worse because of how I'm talking to myself about it. But nothing actually changes from my growth. But if I say, oh, could this be self-protection? What am I afraid of? What's coming up for me? Why am I slowing down? And we can talk about procrastination like separately because self-sabotage could be a wide variety of things. Including that, right? But that's what came up for me is I'm always interested in where do we have choices? And where can we find the choice? And even when choices are limited, where can we find a way forward, right? And if there's something, an interpretation, a way that we relate to the world, where it's all dead ends, then I'm profoundly uninterested. Yeah, uninterested.

Melissa

And unsatisfied, yeah.

Maggie

Yeah, so those are my thoughts. What are your thoughts on this?

Melissa

Yeah. I think it makes complete sense. And as you know, the way that I try to help my people and the way that I'm always trying to help myself is to make sense of myself and to help my clients make sense of what they've been doing or what they've not been doing. So I think that looking at it through that lens, which I had forgotten until you just said it right now, of, okay, how might this be protecting me, which I think is probably why immediately since I'm learning internal family systems and parts work, I was like, ding, ding, ding. This is a protective part of us that is coming out for a reason. And it's there to help us. And if you've ever heard of parts work, you know that Dick Schwartz, who is the developer of this method of helping people, says that there are no bad parts, which is what I really love about the work. And it makes complete sense in my brain to think of it that way. Because of course, it's a protective part. Of course, it's there to try to help you and not actually keep you stuck. But if you're going to always label it as sabotage, then yes, it will keep you stuck. But if you're willing to look and see, okay, wait, how might this be protecting me? How does this make sense in my current situation? Or maybe how did this make sense in my past that doesn't actually make sense anymore for my current situation? And again, like leading you to more choice, I think is a very interesting and powerful and impactful way to think about it.

Maggie

Yeah, I just I'm really obsessed with this idea of where do our choices lie. Like, where do I mean? I might be in a bunch of circumstantial situations where they're very limited. But even within those limited if even if it's just what I'm thinking, even if it's just what I'm telling myself and I say just like usually, that can bring a huge shift even to the circumstantial situations. But even if my own self talk. OK, there I have a choice, even if I have no other choices. But usually most of us do have access, especially if you're listening to a podcast. That means you have like an electronic device where that is your window to the world where you have the ability to like to do a lot of things. Right. So that's something that I was thinking about. And then procrastination as one of the things that we sort of are trying to overcome. And I think that's what we were coaching on specifically was procrastination. I think it's such a nuanced thing. I was coaching somebody else on sort of similar lines as one does. So very often I coach on things related to like, oh, I'm going through the same thing and then all my clients bring me that. And then I'm like, oh, I should listen to myself and take my own coaching. So that happens sometimes the whole week. There's like a theme and everybody comes with different names and faces. And it's like the same thing. Like, that's just the thing. I don't know. The universe has a sense of humor. It's like, oh, this again. OK. But I was thinking about procrastination and what happens with procrastination, which how would we define? I need to look it up like a delay in taking action. Maybe Melissa could look it up while I talk a little bit. But if we think about it, so I was coaching someone that has ADHD. And I was like, if that's a completely different thing, then procrastination is like how your brain is wired. There's physiology involved. Right. And so I was like, oh, so we sort of have this umbrella that we call procrastination around how we take action. OK, you got the definition.

Melissa

Yeah. It says, this is from, oh, hold on. I thought I had Merriam-Webster. Okay, hold on. Here's Merriam-Webster. It says, to put off intentionally and habitually. And then the other is to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done.

Maggie

Interesting. Okay, Melissa's all right. I could see her. You all, you can't not going to be able to see her face, but she's ready to riff on this.

Melissa

Yes, stop. Any definition that includes the word should, I definitely do not cosign. Says who?

Maggie

Says who, right? Something that should be done according to who, what, when, how, tell us, right? And it's interesting, it's intentionally delaying when so many of us feel like we're unintentionally delaying. Like subconsciously. I either want to do it or I want to want to do it, right? Like it's usually, I don't know, my experience is usually not intentional at all. It feels like a force outside of me if I'm procrastinating on something.

Melissa

It's amazing how much laundry and dirty dishes and yard work and stuff pile up when, you know, I have something that I want to procrastinate on. It's like, oh, I can do these other things.

Maggie

Yeah, I've never been more productive than when I have to pack for a trip like legit. I have like come up with coaching concepts, podcast episodes, written like an amazing email. I have done so many things and it really escaped me. I couldn't connect literally until I think it was this year or last year and sort of the irony is like I've traveled all over the world. I've gone to a ton of places. I've never let it stop me, but I have packing anxiety and I would procrastinate until the very last last minute like at midnight. I start and then I go to sleep at 2 a.m. And then it's miserable in the morning to wake up. Yeah, I should have to wake up at 4:30. Yeah. And if you think about it, like there was nothing intentional about that process. That definition is really interesting because to me, it didn't feel intentional at all. It felt like I'm in this sort of vortex of emotion or something. Right. And I've tried to like break that down to what is it? Is it making 57 decisions? Right. Because if I go on a trip and I have to decide what I'm wearing, you know, to like there's an event in the morning, one in the afternoon, one in the evening or whatever, versus like, sometimes I'll go to a cabin with my husband and wear T-shirts and jeans. And I'm like, I have no stress whatsoever. It's five shirts, two jeans and we're done. Right. And so I tried to isolate, like, what is it that triggers the anxiety? And I think for me, so this is personal to me, but hopefully helpful to other people, is when I have to make 57 decisions or a decision fatigue. And what if I miss something and then I don't have it? And then I forget most of the places I travel. Right. There's like a Walmart open 24 hours or like there's something, you know.

Melissa

There’s a CVS on every corner.

Maggie

Yeah, right like like like I forget that I could just and I I think I was thinking about this the other day Like I grew up relatively speaking poor like with a single mom and like one pair of sneakers and stuff And so there was times when if I didn't have it with me, I just didn't have it, right? And now I'm more prosperous than if I need to like go to Walgreens and buy something that costs $20. It's fine. No problem. By the way, that did happen to me, where the airline lost my luggage.  Just gonna go on rants and it happened to me too. It was terrible so they like lost my luggage I was going to visit my friend who at the time was a youth pastor and I was going like I arrived on Saturday night and Sunday morning was one of those like all day in church. It was like a like and it was like a church like some churches like I go to a metaphysical crispy crunchy church where you go in jeans and you know It's Miami you go in like ripped jeans and look South Beachy and it's fine. Yeah, but there are other places where that is not the culture and I got a respect about church where I'm going and it was a very much a Sunday best situation. So I'm devastated right because I'm literally wearing a Superman t-shirt and jeans like Reeboks, this is not acceptable for some events. So legit at 9:30 at night in the at that time what was open was a Walmart and I got everything I got underwear, I got shoes, got like all the things. But I forget that that's possible. It's like we forget what we've created in our lives, right? And then I make decisions as the person that didn't have those options or choices, right? We all just make so much sense with parts work.

Melissa

You have a little part inside of you that feels unsafe around packing because she didn't have what she needed when she was younger. And it also makes sense that you would do something instead that is so safe. Right. Writing a podcast, writing an email, something that you know you can do practically sleeping inside, upside down, loop-de-loops. It doesn't matter. You know for sure that it's going to be safe and that you're going to have a great finished product at the end.

Maggie

I love this. Okay, this is good. This is real, real-life, real-time insights in the moment. So anyway, so for that thing, what I started doing is I started packing in the morning where I hadn't made any decisions because often it was also compounded. Like I would pack at night after I worked the whole day, made a thousand decisions about whatever that day was. And then it's like, oh, what would it be like if I do it fresh in the starting off behind?

Melissa

Right, right, right, yeah.

Maggie

And so the last couple of trips we've done, we did it that way, and it did feel so much better. Right? So I just want to offer that too, that it's like, sometimes in marriage stuff, I talk about solvable problems and unsolvable problems and how there are things where we need to learn to manage it. And because this is a pediatrician, I would use a medical analogy, which is like, what if you have a chronic illness or chronic mental conditions, like something that doesn't go away, but how do you manage it? So I don't think I have stopped having packing anxiety, right? But I've sort of learned to manage that condition by trying a bunch of new things, which by the way, is what we do in coaching, right? We help you feel safer to try new things and then be able to solve what's solvable and like manage what needs to be managed. Okay. That was a rant.

Melissa

I love it. Tell us your thoughts. No, I mean, it's a useful rant because it really does help somebody see a real-life example of what it's like in someone who has done a lot of work on herself and who has helped a lot of people solve a lot of seemingly unsolvable problems and then manage the ones that truly are unsolvable. It's like, oh, yeah, I think it gets back to being able to be human. Yeah. And not having to have it all be perfect, not having to have it all figured out because so far, I don't know about you, but I think the spoiler alert is that none of it is perfect and none of us ever gets it all figured out all the way or we think we maybe do and then something changes and you have to start over or we're new again.

Maggie

I think anybody who tells you to have it all figured out is lying or from another planet. Like yeah, it's possible aliens exist and it's possible that on that planet they have it all figured out, but those are the two options.

Melissa

Yeah. Or, or they just haven't looked deep enough to know. Tell us more about that one. I mean, you know, there are some people that are, for lack of a better term, like skating on the surface of life and, you know, really afraid to rock the boat. And this is me. You just coached me on this recently, like leading and making more decisions from fear. Rather than from love and knowing that eventually everything will always, you know, work out. So I think that, you know, sometimes especially like when I hear about, this is like totally off subject, but couples who never argue, you know, who have like no arguments ever. And it's like, Hmm, okay. Like maybe you just are not saying what you actually think. Maybe you're not saying what you actually mean. You know, maybe you're so afraid to rock the boat that you just go along and agree with whatever you can't wait.

Maggie

So I think maybe 80% of the time you're right, but I do think there's a 20% of people, and this is totally like I have no research, it's just my way of framing it, where they're very collaborative and where arguing is not the way that they resolve things. So I do think there's a big group of people that should be arguing, right? I think it's like two things are true at the same time. There's a big group of people that if they really said what they really felt, they would argue more, and that is real. And I'm telling you this because one of my very good friends wrote a book called The Argument-Free Marriage, and she explained what that looked like for her, and her name is Fawn Weaver. She's amazing. She's now the CEO of a whiskey company, but before she became the CEO of a whiskey company, wrote this book called The Argument-Free Marriage, which, fun fact, I got to name the book, which I thought was so exciting, and she had these other names, and she didn't like those names. And I was like, what about The Argument-Free Marriage? And then she's like, that's the name. So anyway, that's just a fun thing. But she sort of lays out why it is that way for her and her experience. And so that's, I just want to add the nuance of the two things being true at the same time. And I think this kind of also weaves into self-sabotage, self-protection, which is it's still self-protection, but it can feel like it's sabotage if it's something that you want to get done and you are having trouble getting done because of these protective parts of you, because of all these different factors, physiology that could be a part of it. Like sometimes it's psychological, sometimes it's physiological, sometimes it's both. And so I think that there's this idea that both of these things could be true. Like it is slowing down your progress. And we don't have to make you the villain of your own story while we figure it out.

Melissa

Yeah. And I mean, I think that it goes back to this Merriam-Webster definition, like shitting on it, like how fast the progress should be. Of course, we've talked about this before, but how we think that our progress is supposed to be linear and it very rarely, if ever, is. And it's the idea of slowing down to speed up. It's the idea of pulling back on the bow and the bow and arrow so that you can actually get some momentum forward. But I think that to your point, if you're always saying that it's sabotage, is it sabotaging to pull back the bow on an arrow to get it to go forward? No, that's how it works.

Maggie

It looks to the world as if you went backward. It may even look to yourself as if you went backward. But in reality, you were like positioning yourself for the quantum leap or for the growth or for the expansion or for the healing or whatever it is.

Melissa

Yeah, so interesting. I never really thought... I mean, I guess because I come from an arguing marriage where that is... And certainly much less than we did before I worked with you. And of course, there's a lot more collaboration now, which I would have never put my finger on. I'm sure you would have in knowing my relationship with Jon now, but where there is a lot more collaboration and being on the same team against a problem instead of being against each other over the problem. So yeah, so interesting.

Maggie

Right? The zigzags of life. Okay, so I have a question for you. One of the things we were talking about was, and you'll have to remind me how this relates to self-protection, because we talked about it on the same call, is practicing being satisfied. I think you mentioned it with like you created all these results in your life, and then you were like, no, it should be some other thing. And I was just reminding you, no, but originally, this was your goal, like you're living your goal, right? Right, right, right. It was kind of a fun thing for me, you know, and for everybody listening, it's like when you work with somebody over a period of time, I was there when she made the goal. And it wasn't her reality. And it wasn't how she lived every day. And then she's like, now I live this way every day. And but this is a problem. I'm like, wait, but this is the goal. Like, like, something about that, right?

Melissa

Yes. Well, yes. I would say that as a client, I too get amnesia and I forget who I am and I forget what I said that I wanted. And you know, the beauty of working with a coach and the beauty of you being my coach is that you very rarely let me forget who I am. And you very rarely let me forget what I said that I wanted initially. And of course, like wants and needs and things can change over time. But the beauty of like checking in with me again and saying, wait, like I thought this is what we had been working toward. And you know, I think of course you said, why is it a problem now? And I was like, huh, like, I don't know. What is the problem? Like just being able to, to question that. And really in my growing up and you know, being in school and getting straight A's in third grade, like after that, it was just like off to the races and you know, just so much striving and reaching the goal and then moving immediately, like not taking any time to really cherish the goal and to relish in it and to, you know, celebrate it other than the woo hoo. And then like moving on immediately, you know, moving the goal post as quickly as possible and making the next goal and then the whole like arrival fallacy of, you know, once you're done with college and you get into med school, then you'll be able to rest and then haha, like once you're in med school and get into residency, then you'll be able to rest. Like, no, it like never happened. So I think the idea of intentionally putting rest like as a goal and not just like rest on Friday night after the work week is done or rest on the weekend or like work for three or four months really hard. And then you get to go on vacation and rest. It's like, no, actually building rest into every day, actually making just plain old sleep a priority. And you know, like Maggie and my friends, if they text me after about eight 30 at night, they're not hearing back until the next morning. You know, when I wake up and usually not until like 7:30 because I sleep like 10 hours a night, which unheard of in past lives. Um, but even just like that rest, like sometimes I feel guilty getting into bed when I'm tired at 8:30 at night and really having to work toward like, no, like this is good for us.

Maggie

Like, what's your hypothesis and why do we have that go?

Melissa

I mean, especially in the summertime Maggie, the sun is still up. Like what are you doing?

Maggie

Then you should be productive, quote unquote, in some way. So the note that I wrote myself for the episode was satisfaction in a what's next society.

Melissa

Mm-hmm.

Maggie

So allowing ourselves to feel satisfied, allowing ourselves to rest when we want to rest and work when we want to work or whatever, in a society that it's like the ocean we swim in, the cultural narrative is productivity is the king and everything else comes second to that. And it's so ingrained in us, we've internalized it. I have felt great amounts of resistance to rest and it's such a fascinating thing. I think sometimes to go back to like procrastination or self-protection, I think sometimes my body is just like, no, we're not doing one more thing, that's it, right? It almost forces me to then rest or to recalibrate what it looks like to work or whatever it is.

Melissa

Yeah. It's interesting because prior to coaching and back when I was working in medicine and that type of thing, my body would go to a certain point and then I would get a migraine and it would take me out for a day, two days, or I would get knock on wood because I don't want to get sick, but I would get a terrible cold or I would get strep throat or I would get RSV. Of course, part of that was working with the little kids and having them not have the etiquette, not to cough or sneeze right in your face when you're looking in their mouth, but I really do think it was protection. You think that you can't take a break. Okay, I'm going to make it so you must take a break. You don't have to.

Maggie

Body connection is so real and so like like we talked about this I try to get in on the whisper like when you're feeling the need for rest the need to to question is this a should right the from the definition right is this should something I really want to do from choice not from obligation when we get the little whisper the more we can get that message on the whisper the last migraines yeah

Melissa

It's so interesting too, talking, bringing it back to the parts work that I'm learning. We all have a sleepy part that when things get uncomfortable and we don't want to deal with something, like all of a sudden we'll start yawning or actually like I've had clients who I'm doing work with, you know, in the middle of a session say, I'm so tired. And, you know, as we're doing the work and I'm like, oh, this is a sleepy protective part of you that is afraid and doesn't want us to go any further. And so even like thinking like this is kind of the opposite, but thinking about sleep as protection.

Maggie

Yeah, it's so interesting because when you talk about parts, like it reminds me of when they did my sex, love and relationship coaching training with Leila Martin. And one of the premises that she taught us was around feelings and how every feeling is an ally. And it's the same idea, but all of these parts are not. And so we have a lot of judgment, especially for women, we have judgment when we get angry or we have judgment about shame or guilt or something. And she's like, well, what is that feeling here to tell you? Why did it show up? Why is it? I like to say, why is it knocking on your door? And then when we dig just a little bit deeper, just the tiniest bit, we always find the thread of how that feeling was what you would call a protective feeling. Well, like it's on your side. What if every part of you is on your side and what if every feeling you feel is on your side? Then what?

Melissa

Yeah. Yeah. I think the way that we would talk about it in IFS is if you truly believe that and you can stay in what's called self-energy in IFS and what you and I have called over the years your highest inner wisdom, which you start every call asking for my highest inner wisdom to guide me and to guide the session. If you can stay in that self-energy where you have access in IFS to what we call the eight C's. Compassion, curiosity, connectedness to yourself and to other people, clarity, creativity, which you know how I love that word, courage, confidence, and calm. So good. I love all the C's. I know. They're amazing words. And then there's argument about adding a ninth C, which is choice.

Maggie

Oh, I wouldn't know for that if I was voting. I'm not voting, but...

Melissa

I'm built by proxy. There you go. I'll tell them what you think when I go this weekend. I love it. So I think that, yeah, if you really do believe that you have no bad parts and that all of your feelings are there to serve you and to point you in the direction that you want to go, then it's like, oh, okay, then I have this ability to be in self-energy where I have access to all these amazing sees and like watch what happens then. So good. And not, of course, my brain when I say watch what happens then, it goes to what's next. What's the next achievement? What's the next goal? That type of thing. And maybe the next thing is to be boring and to like have a very spacious life and to kind of do the same things over and over and over again that light you up and that make you calm and serene and you know.

Maggie

Talking about boring. We're rebranding self-sabotage and we're rebranding boring. That's what's happening right now.So this is a dynamic that because I'm a relationship coach, I see over and over again. And I think it applies in so many different areas of our life, which is if you've been in a tumultuous relationship, in an emotional roller coaster type relationship, and it could not, it's not even romantic when it could be with your parents, with some important person in your life, your boss, stuff like that. Then when you go to a healthy relationship, by healthy we mean you're not suffering, right? Your emotional wellness is you feel good. So I think we could debate what is healthy, what's not healthy. What I mean is where you feel like you're thriving, right? It can feel boring. And for people that are listening, think about it. It's either you or you have a friend. So we all know some situation like this, that person who picks a fight, like we haven't had a fight in a while, so let's argue about something. Because that's familiar to your nervous system, it's familiar to your brain and your brain interprets that as safe. And it interprets the boring, it's like something must be wrong, like does it get to be this way, right? Yeah, yeah. And it can even happen at work. Like if you had a terrible boss and you go to a new job and you're like, you love your colleagues and you're like, oh, my boss is amazing, something must be wrong, right? Something has gone wrong here. Yeah. But it's a very, very, very common dynamic where we have to recalibrate our expectations and recalibrate what we label and how we label it. So it's like what you might label boring, I might label thriving or peaceful. So something that I do with my husband all the time is like, we are very collaborative most of the time. I mean, he's still a fiery Cuban person, but we're very collaborative most of the time. And I will tell him, I love our peaceful home. And for me, I crave and enjoy the peacefulness of it. But it's branded, like imagine a brand peaceful, not the brand.

Melissa

Boring yeah, it's so funny because Jon and I always say we love our boring life. I think it is like of course how you define it for yourself. And makes complete sense and I when I say boring like I say it with all the love and all the joy and all like yeah, you know.

Maggie

You rebranded the word itself. I'm like, we need a new word, but they both work.

Melissa

I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's okay. So good. All right, what else is there anything else that we need to touch on or anything else that came up when I was talking that.

Maggie

I love it. I feel like for everybody listening, permission to be human, permission to not torture yourself when you procrastinate, invitation to just be curious. Is it physiological? Is it psychological? Is it a mix of both? Is there some kind of something like an ADHD situation or a decision fatigue or some other thing that's involved? Did you just climb a mountain and your body is telling you, okay, we just climbed a mountain. I'm not ready to climb another one right now, so are we taking a break? I would say those are kind of like the things I'm taking away from the episode is just to check in.

Melissa

Mm-hmm. Can I say one more thing about something that you said right before I asked you that question? Yeah. I have found this with my clients and I think probably with myself prior to coaching too where sometimes we're picking the fight because we know that there is repair that happens afterward and there's closeness that happens afterward. So I have a client, and she'll know who she is, who often will get upset with her little kids and she and her kids have gotten really good at repair after rupture. So we found this pattern where she would sometimes rupture something that didn't necessarily need to be ruptured in order to get to that repair with her kids. How fascinating. Yeah. Have you ever experienced that with your people or is this something?

Maggie

The way it presents a lot is the feeling something's off and we need some tension like we need to get on a roller coaster for normalcy, right? It's a craving. The way it has presented in the times when I've seen it is the craving for normalcy. It's very interesting what you present about, oh it's a craving for intimacy and I don't know how to get there without a rupture so I'm going to use a rupture to get there. It's a very interesting way to get there and it's just very interesting to think I'm going to think on that. It's like do we do we need the rupture to get there? Could we get there without it? What would that look like? Would just be an interesting question and also no judgment on the rupture like if the rupture is relatively harmless and it's how you get to the connection I'm kind of like whatever works for you if it works for you keep doing it.

Melissa

Yeah, I think, you know, with this client, she definitely has found ways to find connection with her kids without having the rupture. And I think she realizes, and you definitely taught me when Jon and I were, well, when I was working with you on our relationship, which has been the past six years, let's be honest. But every time we talk, we talk about it. But you know, the fight that you don't have is the one that you never have to recover from. And, you know, we used to spend a lot of time recovering, and now it's just, you know, boring. And you know, we like it that way. But I think that sometimes, and some other people, since I've seen it in myself, and I've seen it in now my client, I'm sure we can't be the only ones where it's like, oh, I need to have this out once and for all so that we can be on the other side of it and have a connection. But I think that's different.

Maggie

I think I think that's interesting because that's what you said before about how if you're not arguing You're not bringing up what you really care about and I think that is like you okay We have it out once and for all and now we're we're connected in the breakdown lead to the breakthrough Whereas your client example to me is like I don't know how to get to connection without a little zigzag So I'm just gonna take the zigzag because of what I'm craving is the connection. I don't know to me I see those as two different things differently.

Melissa

I'll have to think on that too.

Maggie

And here's and here's what I want to tell everybody who's listening. It doesn't matter, right? Whether there's the same, whether they're different. What we want to present to you is that we're all human. We all do zigzags in our way. And sometimes you take the zigzag. Sometimes you don't need to take it anymore. That's great, too. I just want to normalize that part of like we all get to be human here. And we are we will be the whole time. Yeah.

Melissa

Unless something major comes down the pipe that we don't know about. Well, thank you so much. I always, always love our conversations and whenever you and I are talking or whenever I'm with all of my coach friends, I always wish, you know, of course, like what happens in our talks when we're just together, you know, stays in our talks, but I always wish that people could experience the type of relationship that we have. So hopefully this helped people experience that too. And just seeing how two relatively emotionally healthy people can have a discussion and…

Maggie

What, we’re the olympians of emotional health this is come on now.

Melissa

This is true this is true they are the opinions of an emotional health except when you get me with my family again and then I immediately like go to…

Maggie

I just don't think Melissa has a great sense of humor, but I don't think that's really true. She's like, here's the thing, we're human the whole time, we're going to have nervous system reactions, we're going to go into fight fight for ease of peace, we're going to we're going to do stuff, right? But it's kind of like an Olympian on a bad day, you know, misses the flip or whatever. They're still right. They're still who they are. Right. Yeah. Yeah. This is so so this is true.

Melissa

This is a loving SmackDown, you guys.

Maggie

This is what it sounds like in real life, in real time.

Melissa

Oh my goodness. Okay. In case, of course, my people haven't heard who you are and they don't know who you are and they want to know more, how can people find you, my sweet Maggie?

Maggie

Oh my gosh, my website is MaggieReyes.com, R-E-Y-E-S. That's the best place to go to see whatever I'm up to at any given time. And I have a podcast called the Marriage Life Coach podcast where I talk about all this kind of stuff through the lens of marriage and I'm a feminist marriage coach. So it's also through this lens of collaborative relationships and how do we have relationships that work for us and for us as women in a patriarchal society and a what's next society. So if you like nuance, come on over.

Melissa

Amazing. Yup. Go find her people. I was getting my nails done, Maggie. This is the last thing I'll say. Yesterday, it was a new person. She was asking about my story and of course I laid it all out for her because it was taking a while for her to do my, I did a pedicure and a manicure. And she's like, I told her your name. She's like, I think I've heard of her. I'm like, I'm sure you have. So, yeah, so far.

Maggie

Oh my gosh, you guys. Okay. I want to add something that I haven't fully reacted to. And I want to just say it on the podcast because it's kind of cool. So if you're on Instagram, there's this amazing woman who started the We Do Not Care Club.

Melissa

I love her.

Maggie

I love her. Melani. And I mean, I started following her the first time I ever heard of her and every list that she does about things we don't care about. I am like, I don't care that I'm wearing the leggings I slept in. I needed something. So I came to the supermarket, like we don't care, right? All these different things we don't care. I'm just a huge fan of this, this woman, this woman. So I click on her, you know, 10 o'clock at night. I'm kind of sleepy. I'm kind of like, Oh my gosh, let me see. Like what's her website? What is she all about? And she has her Amazon wish list and the question for couples journal, which is the book that I wrote on her like things that she shares with people that she likes. And I was like, this is amazing. That is amazing. Um, so it just brought me so much joy. I was like, I love this woman and this woman doesn't know it, but she loves me.

Melissa

Oh my god, so fun random thing for everybody such a fun random thing. Are you going to have her on the podcast?

Maggie

I mean, she's a big celebrity now, so I don't know. But I'm definitely going to reach out to her and just tell her how delighted I am that that's amazing.

Melissa

I'd get her address so you can send her a signed copy. To be continued. To be continued. All right, folks. To be continued next week. Bye, everybody.

Spoiler alert, guys. To be continued is actually right now because after Maggie and I hit stop recording, we were chatting, as we do. And I realized that this is going to be the 150th episode of the Your Favorite You podcast. So I felt like that deserved a celebration. And of course, because the universe loves me and Maggie loves me, she's here for the 150th episode. So thank you so much, Maggie.

Maggie

I'm gonna try ringing a bell. We'll see how it comes out in the audio. I'm gonna do it a little far away. Oh yeah!

Melissa

Yeah! Yay!

Maggie

150 imagine the audio confetti falling over everybody.

Melissa

Exactly. The biodegradable balloons that are safe for animals.

Maggie

All those things, all those things. Congratulations, 150 episodes is amazing.

Melissa

But yeah, it's not nothing. It's pretty awesome.

Maggie

If I have permission, I'm going to say something that I would actually need your permission to say, but you don't have to use this if you decide.

Melissa

No, you know me, you can say anything.

Maggie

So during the episode, there was a moment where Melissa said, you know how I feel about creativity. And I thought, oh, I wonder if she's recorded a podcast on this already, where all of you know how she feels about creativity, because I know she feels about it. But on her one hundred and fiftieth episode, what I am taking is evidence of how creative you are that you've created a hundred for the episodes, because in the beginning, my friends, Melissa had the limiting belief that she just wasn't creative. And then I would list for her all the different ways that she was creative and stuff she did with babies when she was a pediatrician. I'm like, oh, and you taught this to the parents. And what were the analogies used? How did you do it? And so now forever more, I will just point to episode one hundred and fifty. Say one hundred and fifty episodes. You must have something in that brain.

Melissa

Yeah, I think that I identified so strongly as a left-brained type A person. And that was such a huge part of my identity to say that I was also maybe a little bit right-brained, was a little bit jarring for me. So yes, I will concede that it does take quite a bit of creativity to come up with 150 episodes and things to talk about and ways to help people and all that kind of good stuff.

Maggie

And you've helped thousands of lives with your creativity, which is so moving and so amazing. So thank you on behalf of all the people who aren't here to say thank you, I'm just gonna speak on their behalf and say thank you for becoming your favorite you so all of us could learn more about how we could become our favorite us. And for setting that example with so much transparency, with so much authenticity, and you know, it is a very sort of fake world sometimes, being so open and so vulnerable and sharing your stories and having your family on. And I know one of your most popular episodes, you should definitely link to it in the show notes is when you had your kids on. And so that's been such a breath of fresh air for thousands of people that listen to this show. So on behalf of them, thank you.

Melissa

I received that with so much love. Thank you for saying so. Okay.

Maggie

Are you wrapping it up?

Melissa

Now really to be continued next week.

Maggie

Okay, bye everybody.

Melissa

Bye.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!