Ep 146: More on Patience - One Big Beautiful Human Mess

Patience is not a neat, tidy virtue that you either have or you don't. It's a beautiful, messy, interconnected web where your patience with yourself shapes your patience with everyone else. And when impatience creeps in, it creates a spiral of disconnection that benefits no one. 

The good news is that patience can be a practice. It takes persistence to develop, but it’s something you can cultivate in your life. I've been working on this for years now, and I still mess it up all the time. However, the effort is worth it. 

In this episode, we’ll explore why patience is so complex, especially for those of us used to pushing, fixing, or perfecting. You’ll understand why impatience is often just resistance to reality, and I’ll share practical tips to help you build patience so you can feel more connected to yourself and others.

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Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Welcome back to Your Favorite You, the podcast for you brilliant women with beautiful brains who are ready to create the life you've been dreaming of with intention. 

I'm still your host, Melissa Parsons. Today I want to talk to you again about something that is not my natural strength and probably isn't yours either: patience. Patience is not this neat, tidy virtue that you either have or you don't. It's this messy, interconnected web where your patience with yourself affects your patience with everyone else and your impatience creates this whole spiral, this whole mess that nobody benefits from. 

If you listen to my first episode around patience, it was episode 108, The Power of Patience. You will already know that I come from a long line of impatient people, impatient women to be specific. 

We want what we want, when we want it, and we want it now. We are the people who tap our feet in line at the grocery store. We're the ones who get frustrated when technology doesn't work instantly. I'll never forget one of my favorite memories recently. Me growling representative into the phone. But when I was trying to speak to an actual human about a tech problem that I was having and Owen was like, mom, what is going on? And I was like, oh, oops. 

We are the ones who lose our shit when our kids take forever to put on their shoes. And then this is the kicker. We get impatient with ourselves for being impatient. And like I said, it's one big, beautiful human mess. 

And if you're sitting there thinking, oh my God, she's describing me in my life, then this episode is for you. Let me paint you a picture of how this usually goes down. Maybe your kiddo is having a meltdown about something that seems completely ridiculous to you. 

Like the fact that their sandwiches cut into triangles instead of squares, or the banana that you're peeling breaks and they have to eat a broken banana. Your impatience starts to bubble up. You're thinking, this is so stupid. 

Just eat the frigging sandwich. Your body starts to get tense, your voice gets that edge to it, maybe you say something like, you're being ridiculous or just eat your food in that tone that you don't even like. 

Then, of course, your kiddo melts down even more because they can feel and sense your impatience, and now you're frustrated with them and frustrated with yourself for handling it badly. So you get impatient with your own impatience, thinking, why can't I just be patient? 

What's wrong with me? I'm such a terrible mom. Or maybe you're trying to get everyone out the door for school and your teenager is taking forever to find his or her backpack. Your middle schooler suddenly can't find their homework, and you're standing there watching the clock, tick, tock, tick, tock, feeling your stress levels rise. 

We're going to be late again. Why can't anyone just be ready on time, is what you're thinking, right? Or maybe it's your partner who's telling you about their day in excruciating detail when you just want to decompress and find yourself mentally checking out thinking, land the plane, get to the point already. 

Or maybe it's your aging parent who's telling you the same story for the third time this week or moving slower than you'd like or asking you to repeat something. Again, your impatience flares up. We just talked about this, mom. 

And then immediately you feel guilty for being impatient with someone who can't help it. Maybe, as I said earlier, it's technology that's not working fast enough, or traffic that's moving too slowly, or the grocery store clerk who's taking their sweet time checking you out when you have a million things to do. 

Perhaps it's your boss who's giving you feedback that feels a little nitpicky, or your coworker who asks the same questions over and over in meetings, or the customer service rep once you actually growl representative into the phone, you get somebody, but they put you on hold for the third time. 

And this is the big one. It's yourself. You're working on becoming a favorite version of yourself and it's taking longer than you thought it would. You set a boundary and then you feel guilty about it. 

You tried to put yourself first and then it felt weird and selfish. You're still people-pleasing even though you know it's not serving you. Maybe you're trying to gain muscle and it's taking longer than you'd like. 

Maybe you're working on a project and you're not making progress as fast as you'd like. Maybe you're learning a new skill and you suck at it longer than you expected and you get so impatient with yourself. 

Why am I not getting this? Why is this taking so long? I should be further along by now and now you're in this spiral where everyone feels like shit including and probably especially you.

Here's what I've learned about impatience. It's not actually about the other person or the situation. It's about our expectation that things should be different than they are right now. We have this idea in our heads about how long something should take or how someone should behave or how we should be progressing. And when reality doesn't match that expectation, we get impatient. Impatience is just resistance to what is. It's kind of the opposite of acceptance. It's fighting against reality instead of accepting it. 

And fighting against reality never ever works, my friends. It just makes us feel like complete dookie. So when I feel impatience start to creep up in my body, I can really feel it, you guys. It's this awareness that I have. It's a tightness in my chest. It's a clenching in my jaw. This urgency that makes my whole nervous system go into overdrive. I try to pause and ask myself if I notice it, what am I expecting to be different right now? 

Usually the answer is something like I expect my kid to be rational about the sandwich. I expect my teenager to be organized and ready on time. I expect him not to forget his cleats in Columbus when we're in Dayton. 

I expect my partner to give me the condensed version. I expect my parent to remember this conversation. I expect technology to work perfectly. I expect traffic to move at the speed I want it to. I expect myself to have this figured out by now. And then I can see how ridiculous that expectation is. Of course my kiddo isn't being rational. They're tired and hungry and they're a human child. Of course my teenager isn't organized. His prefrontal cortex isn't even fully developed yet. 

Of course my partner wants to share their whole day with me. That's how they connect. Of course my mom doesn't remember. Their brain is changing and it's not their fault. Of course technology glitches and traffic happens and people move at their own pace. 

And of course I haven't figured it all out yet. I'm learning and growing and that takes time and spoiler alert, I probably am never going to figure it all out by the end of my lifetime and I have to be okay with that. 

So let's talk about how this feels in your body because that's where the real information is. Impatience feels terrible. It's this frenzied energy that makes your shoulders tense, your breathing shallow, your heart race. 

It's like your nervous system is revving its engine because it actually is. It's ready to fight or to flee from the sandwich that's cut the wrong way and of course it's exhausting. Nobody benefits from that energy, not you, not your kids, not your parents, not your coworkers. Literally no one around you benefits. That impatient frenzy just creates more chaos and stress for everyone. But patience. Patience feels so much better in your body. There is an ease. There is a groundedness. Your shoulders drop, your breathing deepens, your jaw unclenches, the skin between your eyes can relax, you can think more clearly, you can respond instead of reacting. And here's what's beautiful about it. 

When you're in that patient energy, everyone around you feels it too. Kids calm down when they feel you're calm. Your aging parent feels more supported. You feel more connected to yourself and everyone else. 

Now, I used to think patience was something either you had or you didn't. Like some people were just born patient and others, like me and my maternal line were doomed to be impatient forever. But here's what I've discovered. Patience can be a practice. It can be something that you can cultivate. And ironically, it takes persistence to develop patience. I've been working on this for years now for myself, and I still mess it up all the time. 

I find myself being impatient with myself when I fall into being impatient with others. And that's when I know to take a step back and just be with the awareness. Here's what I know to be true. Good things do come to those of us who are willing to wait, and being willing to keep working at something also pays off. 

It's not just passive waiting. It's active patience combined with persistent effort. Patience isn't about gritting your teeth and tolerating things. It's about accepting what is while still working toward what could be. This is especially important when you're doing the work to become a favorite version of yourself. Because that work, it takes time. It is not linear. You're definitely going to have setbacks and breakthroughs and days when you feel like you're back at square one. one. But remember, you're never really back at square one. And if you're impatient with that process, you're going to make it so much harder on yourself. 

I see this with my lovely clients all the time. And of course, myself, they want to transform their entire relationship with themselves in six weeks. They want to stop people pleasing immediately. They want to set perfect boundaries right away and uphold them right away. They want to love themselves completely by next Wednesday. And when they don't see these instant results, they get frustrated. They think something's wrong with them. They think they're failing. 

But becoming a favorite version of yourself isn't like learning to use a new app on your phone. It's like learning a new language or learning to play an instrument. It takes time, persistence, practice, and patience with the learning process. You literally are rewiring your brain. You're changing patterns that have been with you for decades. So of course, it's going to take time. 

Okay, so how do you actually cultivate patience? Here's what's been working for me and for my clients. First, notice the impatience in your body before it takes over if you can, or right as it's taking over at the beginning. So that tightness, that urgency, that frenzied feeling, that clenched jaw, just notice it without judging it. And then if you can ask yourself, what am I expecting to be different right now? Usually just naming the expectation helps you see how unrealistic and just how unhelpful it might be. 

And then try this thinking, what if this is exactly what's supposed to be happening right now? What if my kiddo was supposed to be melting down about the sandwich because they're learning how to handle big emotions? 

What if my parent is supposed to be moving slowly because that's where they are in life? What if I'm supposed to be struggling with this boundary because I'm learning something new? And here's a big question to ask, and we talked about this a couple episodes ago. 

What would love do right now? So remembering that love tends to always be patient. Love doesn't tend to get frustrated with the learning process. And love knows that growth takes time. Patience is actually a form of love. 

When you're patient with your kiddos meltdown, you're loving them through a hard moment. When you're patient with your parents' repetitive stories, you're loving them where they are. When you're patient with your own learning process, you're loving yourself through the mess. 

And when you're impatient, you're withholding love. You're saying you should be different than you are for me to love you right now. That one hurts. You're thinking you should be different than you are in order for me to love you right now. 

But love doesn't work that way. Love is often more patient than it is impatient, and love includes kindness. It doesn't demand that everyone is perfect all the time. So when you feel that impatience rising, try asking yourself, how can I love this person? How can I love myself through this moment? 

Here's what I want you to know. Bottom line, you don't have to be perfectly patient. You're going to lose your shit sometimes. You're going to get frustrated with your kids, with your parents, with your workmates, with yourself. 

You're going to want things to move faster than they're moving. And that's OK. That's part of the big, beautiful human mess that we're all living in. The goal isn't perfection. The goal is awareness. 

The goal is catching yourself when you can, breathing when you remember to, and being gentle with yourself when you forget. Because patience with your impatience is still patience, right? Kind of meta loving yourself through your lack of patience is still love so if you're up for it. 

Here's what I want you to try this week: when you notice your impatience rising whether it's with your kiddo, your parent, your partner yourself, pause and ask these questions: What am I expecting to be different right now? What if this is exactly what's supposed to be happening? And what would love do right now? And then whatever happens next, be patient with yourself about how you handle it. If you lose your patience, be patient with that, too. Remember we're not trying to help you become perfectly patient overnight. That would be boring. You're just practicing being a little more aware, a little more accepting, a little more loving with the big beautiful mess of being human. Patience isn't about being perfect. It's about accepting what is while staying open to what could be. It's about loving people including yourself through the process of being human. And if you need help learning to love and to be more patient with yourself, how to love yourself through the learning process, how to stop expecting yourself to be further along than you are, that's exactly the kind of work we do together in coaching. 

Tell me how this lands for you on Instagram @coachmelissaparsonsmd. Where do you struggle most with patience? What would love want you to know about your impatience? And remember my beautiful humans, you're exactly where you're supposed to be learning exactly what you're supposed to be learning at exactly the pace you're supposed to be learning it. Even your impatience is part of the process. Okay, I'll talk with you next week.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!