Ep 144: The Spiral Parking Garage Ramp of Healing

No matter how much we want it to be, healing isn’t a one-and-done process. Just when you think you've dealt with something, there it is again—maybe wearing a slightly different outfit, but still the same darn thing. Maybe it's people pleasing, abandonment fears, or self-criticism–whatever it is shows up and you think, “Seriously, I thought I dealt with this already?!”

But here’s the thing: healing isn’t about “fixing” something so it never resurfaces again. It’s about gaining the awareness and tools to change your response as you spiral upward on your healing journey.

You may remember episode 64 of this podcast where I first introduced the idea of the spiral parking garage ramp as an analogy for healing. In this episode, I dive deeper into this metaphor to explore what actually happens on your healing journey–not only with the familiar patterns, but the messy, frustrating moments that make you want to throw your self-help books out the window. Healing can feel repetitive, but today we look at why that’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong, but actually proof that you’re doing it right. 

Click HERE to get the full show notes.

Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hello again, listeners of Your Favorite You. 

I am still your host, Melissa Parsons, and today, I want to talk about something that you may remember me talking about in episode number 64 of the podcast. So, if you're following along, that was 80 episodes ago. 

So it may be something that you heard a long time ago and maybe something that you never heard. That podcast was called Life is Not Linear. And in it, I talked about a spiral parking garage analogy in terms of healing. 

So I want you to either go back and re-listen to that episode number 64, or if you remember it, you can just jump into this one. But I am going to be kind of diving deeper into this analogy. So a lot of times when we think back to where we started, if you've been on a healing journey, you can think that you are starting all over, or that a problem is coming back up again, and that it's a problem. 

But what I want to point out to you is that when you think, oh no, here I am again, you're actually probably on the fifth floor of that spiral parking garage instead of the second. So, I knew I needed to go deeper into this metaphor because I've been talking a lot about it with my clients on our calls. 

So here are some things that I've realized since 80 episodes again, that we need to talk specifically about what happens in that parking garage or on that ramp when it comes to your healing journey, not just your general life patterns, but the messy, frustrating, oh my God, I'm dealing with this again moments that make you want to throw your self-help books out the window or maybe stop listening to this podcast altogether. 

So today we're going to be taking the elevator to the top of that spiral parking garage to really understand why healing feels like the world's most repetitive movie and why that's actually proof that you're doing it right. 

So buckle up. We're going on a deep dive into the spiral parking garage of healing. So let's get specific about what I mean when I say the spiral parking garage ramp of healing. In that first episode, Life is Not Linear, I mentioned how my clients will come to me with a frustrated eye roll saying, I'm back where I started. 

But I want to dig deeper into what that actually looks like in the healing world because healing, and I'm talking about real healing, has this particularly ironic sense of humor. So just when you think you've dealt with something, bam, there it is again, wearing a slightly different outfit, but it's still the same darn thing. 

Maybe it's people-pleasing. Maybe it's abandonment fears. Maybe it's the voice in your head that sounds suspiciously like your mother telling you that you're not good enough. Whatever it is, it shows up and you think, seriously, I thought I dealt with this already. 

I've been coaching for a while. I've read the books. I've done the work. Why am I still here? And then comes the shame spiral. I must be broken. I must be doing this wrong. Everyone else seems to figure this stuff out, but I'm stuck on repeat like a broken record. 

Does this sound familiar? I'm guessing that it does because that's not failure. That's healing. Here's where most people get it wrong. They think healing is supposed to be linear, like you identify the problem, you work on it, you fix it, done. 

Next issue, please. Like you're checking an item off your to-do list, but healing is not a to-do list. It's not even a straight highway. It's that damn spiral parking garage ramp. And most of us don't realize we're actually making progress. 

Now in episode 64, I talked about how you might be on the fifth floor instead of the second with all of that learning and grace and compassion happening between the floors. But let me paint you a more detailed picture of what those floors actually look like when it comes to healing. 

Here's what's really happening in that parking garage of yours. Every time you think you're passing that same concrete pillar, that same supports beam, the same exit sign, you are. But the question isn't whether you're seeing the same landmarks. 

The question is, how are you actually driving now? When you first entered this garage, let's say it was the first time you realized you had problems with abandonment. You were on the ground floor. You were probably a little bit panicky. 

Maybe you didn't have the words for what you were feeling. You just knew that something hurt and you had no idea what to do about it. Fast forward a couple of months, a couple of years, you're back at what feels like the same place. 

Someone important to you is pulling away and there's that familiar clench in your stomach, that familiar voice saying, see, they're probably going to leave you too. But here's the difference. This time you notice it happening. 

This time you can name it. This time, instead of spiraling down for three weeks, maybe you spiral for three days or three hours. That's not the same place. That's the third floor. Fast forward another length of time. 

Same trigger hits, same abandonment fear rises up. But this time, this time you can actually talk to someone about it while it's happening. This time you remember that feelings aren't facts. This time you can hold both truths. 

Yes, this hurts. And yes, you know you'll be okay. Fourth floor, baby. Okay. The pattern looks the same from the inside, but you're handling it with completely different tools, different awareness, different wisdom. 

You're not failing at healing. I promise you, you're not. You're succeeding at spiraling upward. So why does it feel so much like we're going nowhere? Why can't our brains give us credit for the progress we're making? 

That's because your brain is designed to keep you alive, not to make you feel good about your personal growth journey. Your brain notices patterns, and when it sees the same emotional trigger showing up again, it's like alert, alert, danger. 

It's this thing again. It's not measuring how you're responding differently. It's not tracking your increased emotional vocabulary, your increased emotional intelligence, or your improved coping skills. 

It's just going abandonment, fear detected, panic stations, same alert system every time. You know that movie Inside Out? Like it's those same little characters inside your brain that see something and they're like, oh shit, we got to hit this button. 

Okay. Plus, let's be honest, we're way better at noticing what's wrong than what's right. When you handle something better than you used to, it often just feels kind of normal. It doesn't feel like an achievement because it isn't dramatic. 

There's sadly no parade. There's no confetti. You just... dealt with it better. Meanwhile, that old familiar feeling gets all the attention because it's loud and uncomfortable and demanding. So of course that's what you focus on. 

But here's what I want you to start noticing. How are you different in this moment that you were the last time this came up? Not how the feeling is different, how you are different. Are you catching it sooner? 

Are you talking about it instead of stuffing it down? Are you asking for help instead of isolating? Are you being gentler with yourself? Are you recognizing, oh I'm a human having a human experience? 

Are you able to function while feeling it instead of being completely derailed? Those are different floors my friend and that's you spiraling up. What I love about my coaching groups is this is what we do notice. 

This is what we bring attention to. This is what we work on, how you are different in this moment than you were the last time this came up. We celebrate that. There is confetti. I sometimes wave a magic wand. 

There's cheers. There's smiles from the other women in the group. Does that make sense? Okay, here's a part that might make you uncomfortable. Some of these patterns might never fully go away. And that's not a failure. 

That's simply being human. You might be someone who always struggles with abandonment fears. You might always be someone who has to watch their people pleasing tendencies. You might be someone who always has to manage anxiety or perfectionism or whatever particular flavor of humanity you happen to have. 

And that's okay. That doesn't mean you're broken or unfixable or that you're doing it wrong. What changes is your relationship with these parts of yourself. What changes is how skilled you become at managing them, how quickly you recognize them, and how gently you treat yourself when they do show up. 

Think about it like this. If you wear glasses, you're never going to stop being someone who needs glasses to see clearly. But you've gotten really good at finding your glasses, at keeping them clean, and remembering to wear them. 

Your nearsightedness isn't cured, but your relationship with it has completely transformed. Your anxiety might not disappear, but your ability to coexist with it can become masterful. Your trauma responses might still get triggered, but your capacity to navigate them can become profound. 

That's not settling for less, my friends. That's wisdom. Okay, here's the beautiful thing about spiral parking garages. The higher up you go, the better the view gets. When you first start dealing with your stuff, it probably feels overwhelming and all-consuming. 

You probably couldn't see past the immediate pain or the fear or the confusion. But now you can start to see patterns. You can start to see connections. You can see how this thing that felt so personal and shameful is actually part of the human experience. 

You start to understand not just what triggers you, but why. You start to see how your family patterns show up in your relationships. You start to recognize how your childhood coping mechanisms are playing out as you're an adult. 

And maybe most importantly, you start to develop compassion. You know, for me, this is one of my favorite things. Compassion for yourself, for others who are struggling with similar things. Compassion for the whole messy, beautiful process of being human. 

That's the view from the higher floors. That's what you get for staying on the ramp instead of giving up and driving away. So next time you find yourself thinking, I'm dealing with this again. I want you to remember what we talked about in episode 64 about life not being linear and now take it even deeper. 

Remember that healing specifically is designed to spiral upward. Ask yourself, what floor am I am now? How is my response different this time? What do I know now that I didn't know before? Your healing journey isn't broken just because it's not linear. 

You're not failing just because the same themes keep showing up. You're spiraling upward, gaining altitude, getting a clearer view with every revolution. And sometimes if you're really lucky, you'll reach a level where you can look down and see just how far you've come, where you can appreciate not just the destination, but the journey itself. 

Okay, if you're up for it, here's a practice I want you to try. And this comes from internal family systems work, which you guys are gonna be hearing a lot more about because I am currently in an internal family systems level one training. 

So the next time you notice yourself in that familiar, oh no, not this again moment, I want you to pause and get curious about the different parts of you that are showing up. There's probably a part of you that's frustrated, maybe even angry about being back here again, quote unquote. 

Can you notice that part? Where do you feel it in your body? What does it wanna say? It might sound like this is ridiculous. I should be past this by now. There might also be a scared part of you that's worried that you'll never heal, that you'll never change, that you'll never get better. 

Can you find that part too? What does it need right now? And there's likely a part that's judging you, the one that's saying you're doing it wrong, you're broken, everyone else has this figured out, but you, can you locate that critical voice? 

And here's what I want you to do. Instead of letting those parts take over the show, see if you can step back into what IFS calls the capital S self. The capital S self is that calm, curious, compassionate part of you that can observe without judgment. 

From that capital S self place, can you thank these parts for trying to protect you. The frustrated part is trying to get you to higher ground faster. The scared part is probably trying to keep you safe from disappointment. 

The critical part probably thinks if it's harsh enough, it could motivate you to finally get it right. They're all trying to help, even if it doesn't feel helpful. Now, from that self-place, can you gently let these parts know that healing is happening, that being on the spiral doesn't mean you're failing? 

It means you're ascending. Can you help them understand that they don't have to work so hard? Because you, however old you are right now, you're actually right where you need to be. Lots of our parts think that we're a lot younger than we are. 

So I often have to remind my parts, hey guys, I'm 52, we got this. This isn't about making the parts go away. This isn't about never feeling frustrated about recurring patterns. It's about developing a different relationship with these parts. 

One where you're the calm, wise driver navigating the spiral parking garage ramp instead of letting the anxious passenger grab the wheel. Try this practice this week and notice what happens when you approach your healing spiral from this place of curiosity rather than criticism. 

Alright, guys, until next week, keep spiraling, beautiful humans. The view from up there is worth it, I promise.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.