Ep 143: The Love You've Been Withholding

You show up with love and support for everyone in your life–but when it comes to how you treat yourself, that kindness disappears. So many brilliant women fall into this pattern. If that sounds familiar, this episode is for you. 

What would change if you gave yourself the same patience, encouragement, and compassion that you offer everyone else? In this episode, I talk about how to hold space for your own humanity and learn how to truly love yourself. You'll hear the reasons why we withhold love from ourselves, and we'll explore ways to break this cycle and improve your relationship with yourself.

Love isn't something you have to earn, wait for, or be perfect enough to deserve. It's like a radio station that is constantly broadcasting–you just have to tune in. And the more you treat yourself with love, the more you have to give to others. When you're cruel to yourself and running on empty, it just makes it harder to show up for others. 

You deserve the love that you've been withholding. And remember, learning to love yourself is not selfish–it's how you become a favorite version of you.

Click HERE to get the full show notes.

Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hey there friends, welcome back to Your Favorite You. 

I am still your host, Melissa Parsons. So, you know, last week I told you about crying during my IFS training when I finally felt safe to learn something new. And in the days since recording that episode, I've been sitting with something. 

I have realized that I wasn't just grieving the safety I'd never experienced in learning environments. I was grieving something actually much deeper, which is all the love I'd withheld from myself every single time I was struggling, learning, or not immediately perfect. And if you're anything like me, if you're one of those brilliant women who can love the hell out of everyone else, but still treats herself like crap, this episode is for you. 

So I want you to think about someone you love deeply. Maybe it's your children, your partner, your best friend. And now imagine they'd come to you and say something like, I tried that hip-hop dancing class today and I was terrible, or I totally bombed that presentation at work, or I set a boundary with my mom and now I feel so guilty. 

Or I'm really struggling to learn this new thing, and I feel so stupid. What do you say to them? How do you respond? I'm betting you respond with lots of love. Maybe you say something like, of course, you were terrible at the dance class. It was your first class. I'm so proud of you for trying. Or that presentation was brave as hell. You'll get better with practice. Or setting that boundary was so important. Of course, it feels weird at first, but you're learning how to finally take care of yourself. 

You probably hold space for their feelings. You probably remind them they're learning. You probably celebrate their courage. You're probably patient with their process. And you'll probably love them through the mess. 

Now, I want you to think about the last time you struggled with something. What did you say to yourself? If you're anything like I used to be and anything how my clients used to be, it probably sounded more like, Oh my God, you're such an idiot. Or everyone else has this figured out. What is wrong with you? Or you should be better at this by now. Or, once again, you're failing at everything. The contrast is pretty brutal, isn't it? In that IFS training, when my instructor said, you're going to mess this up. And that's exactly how learning works. They were loving me. They were holding space for my humanity. They were giving me the same patience and encouragement I'd give to anyone I loved. And I thought, how can I teach my listeners to hold space for your own humanity like that? How can I teach you to love yourself through the mess? 

So, let's get honest about how you talk to yourself. I want you to do a little self-talk audit with me. When you make a mistake, do you say, oops, learning moment or God, you're such an idiot. 

When you're struggling with something, do you say this is hard, and you're being so brave? Or do you say everyone else has figured this shit out. What's wrong with you? When you don't know something, do you say, how exciting to learn something new? 

Or you should probably know this by now. When you try something and it doesn't go perfectly, do you say, I'm proud of you for training? Or do you focus on everything that you did wrong? 

We withhold so much love from ourselves. We withhold permission that we'd freely give to anyone else. Permission to have feelings about things, permission to take up space, permission to have needs and ask for them. Permission to change our minds. 

Permission to not be everything to everyone. Permission to be learning and growing instead of already having it all figured out. And here's what really gets me. We withhold celebration from ourselves constantly. 

When someone you love gets a promotion, you celebrate them. When you get a promotion, you immediately think about all the ways that you might mess it up or you think about the next friggin' promotion. 

When somebody you love sets a boundary, you're so proud of them. When you set a boundary, you're worried that you're being mean and selfish. When someone you love tries something new, you cheer them on. 

When you try something new, you focus on everything you did wrong instead of it celebrating the courage it took to try. It's almost like we're living in this love drought that we've created for ourselves. 

So why do we do this? Why do we withhold love from ourselves while freely giving it to everyone else? Maybe you learned that love had to be earned through performance, through working hard and getting shit done. Maybe you learned that self-love was selfish or conceited, or you're worried that if you love yourself you'll get too big for your britches or that you'll forget where you came from. Maybe you learned that you had to be perfect to be worthy of love, even your own love. Maybe you're afraid that if you love yourself, really love yourself, you'll become lazy or stop trying to improve. 

But think about the people you love the most, the people that you show the most love to. Does loving them make them worthless and useless piles of goo? Of course not. Love makes people flourish. Love makes people braver, more confident, more willing to try new things. Or perhaps you've bought into this myth that love is finite. That if you give too much to yourself, there won't be enough for you to give to others. I don't know how many times I've said this on the podcast or how many times I will need to say it again, but love is not pie, you guys. The more you have for yourself, the more you have to give. When you're running on empty, when you're being cruel to yourself, that's when you have nothing left for anyone else. 

So let's talk about what self-love actually looks like because it's not just bubble baths and face masks. Although those are lovely, I love them too. Real self-love is having your own back when you mess up. It's speaking to yourself like you would someone you adore. It's celebrating your attempts, not just your successes. It's setting boundaries because you matter. It's asking for what you need without apologizing for having needs. So here's something I want you to really hear. Love for you is always available. Love for you is always available, always. 

It's not something you have to earn or wait for or be perfect enough to deserve. It's like a radio station that is constantly broadcasting. You just have to tune in. It's like the sun; it's always there. 

You just have to do something to make the clouds go away. I love how Liz Gilbert talks about writing herself letters from love. She'll ask herself, what does love want me to know right now? And then she writes herself a letter answering that question. Not from her scared mind or her critical voice, but from love itself. Sure, sometimes her scared mind or her critical part come into play within the letters, but she knows that she can calm those parts down with even more love. 

What if you tried that? What if when you're struggling or being hard on yourself, you would pause and ask, what would love have me know right now? What would love say to me in this moment? Or one of my favorite questions, what would love do right now? 

Love might say things like, you're learning and that's beautiful. This is hard, and you're being so brave. I see how much you're trying. You don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love. I'm proud of you for just showing up. 

You're doing your best with what you have right now. That love that's available to you isn't conditional. It doesn't go away when you mess up. spoiler alert: it's not impressed by your achievements, and it's not disappointed by your failures. 

It just loves you because you exist. So start with how you talk to yourself, literally when you catch yourself being unkind to you, pause and ask, wait, what would love have me know right now? What would love say to me? 

And then listen, really listen, tune into that channel and see all that it has to offer you. Celebrate small things. Did you get out of bed on a hard day? That's love recognizing love. Did you speak up for yourself when you could have been silent or when you would have been silent in the past? 

That's love in action. Did you try something that scared you? That's fucking love, and it deserves celebration. Remember that vulnerability I talked about last week, I told you about last week? That's where love needs to show up most. 

That's when you're learning something new, when you're struggling, when you're confused, when life is really just shit. That's when you need to turn into the love channel the loudest. What would love have you know about your learning process? 

What would love say about your attempts, your confusion, your beautiful human messiness? So here's the assignment if you choose to accept it. And recognizing sometimes the most loving thing is to not accept the assignment. 

That's okay too. And if you're up for it, I want you to try something this week. I want you to love yourself through one thing you've been withholding your love from. Maybe it's that project you're struggling with at work. 

Instead of beating yourself up, pause and ask what would love have me know about this? Maybe love says you're doing your best. This is challenging work, and you're learning. Maybe it's that boundary you set that didn't go perfectly. 

Instead of shaming yourself, ask what would love say about my attempt to take care of myself? Maybe love says I'm so proud of you for trying. Learning to take care of yourself is brave work, and you're figuring it out. Maybe it's that thing that you're trying to learn. Instead of frustration, tune into love and ask, what does love want me to know about this learning process? Maybe love says, you're being so courageous right now, I see how hard you're trying, and that matters more than getting it perfect. 

So try writing yourself a letter from love this week. Seriously, try it. Ask, what would love have me know? Or, love, what do you want me to know? And then write whatever comes up. Don't edit it. Don't judge it. 

Just let love speak to you. You very likely will be surprised by what comes through. And seriously, all credit to Liz Gilbert for this incredible offering. You deserve the same love you give to everyone else. 

You deserve patience with your process. You deserve celebration of your attempts. You deserve to be held with tenderness while you figure it out. 143, this is episode number 143, and it means I love you. 

And I want you to know you are worthy of love, especially from yourself, exactly as you are right now. Not when you get it right, not when you figure it out, not when you lose the weight or get the promotion or have all your shit together. 

Right now, in the middle of the mess, while you're learning and growing and being beautifully and perfectly human. The love you've been withholding from yourself, it's time to give it back. It's time to tune into that channel. 

That's always broadcasting love for you. It's time to ask, what would love have me know, and then listen for the answer. Every time you catch yourself withholding love from yourself this week and into the future. 

I want you to remember episode 143 of your favorite you remember that love is always available to you. Remember that you deserve the love that you've been withholding. And if you need help learning how to love yourself, learning how to speak to yourself with kindness, how to tune into that love channel. 

That sounds weird, but how to tune into the channel of love, whatever. That's exactly the kind of work we do in coaching. Because learning to love yourself, that's how you become a favorite version of you. 

Tell me how this lands for you on my Instagram, Coach Melissa Parsons, MD. What's one way you're going to practice loving yourself this week? What does love want you to know right now? And remember, my beautiful humans, you are worthy of love, especially your own, the love that you've been withholding. 

It's fucking time to give it back to yourself. I'll talk with you next week.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!