Ep 142: The Vulnerability of Learning Something New

When was the last time you felt genuinely safe not to know something? To fumble, make mistakes, and learn messily—without anyone judging your intelligence or competence?

If you're drawing a blank, you're not alone. Most of us have been taught that our worth is tied to performance. As a result, we avoid trying new things in adulthood–not because we're incapable, but because we’ve been conditioned to believe that not being immediately good at something means something's wrong with us.

But when you can learn from a place of safety—where mistakes are allowed and curiosity is welcome—something powerful happens. Your competence doesn't feel threatened, which creates the space you need to truly grow and allows your authentic self to emerge.

In this episode, I share an example of what this container of safety looked like for me recently, and we explore how to give yourself permission--to be a beginner, to take up space, and to let yourself grow through imperfection so that you can embrace your favorite version of yourself who is brave enough to make mistakes in service of becoming who you are meant to be.

Click HERE to get the full show notes.

Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hey there, beautiful humans. Welcome back to Your Favorite You. 

I am still your host, Melissa Parsons. I want to start today by asking you something. When was the last time you felt genuinely safe to not know something? To fumble around, to make mistakes, and to learn messily without someone judging your competence or intelligence? 

If you're drawing a blank right now, you're not alone. Because this weekend, at 52 years young, I experienced something I've literally never felt before in any learning environment. And it was so profound, so healing, that I knew I had to share it with you. 

First, let me paint the picture of my learning history, because I have a feeling it might sound at least somewhat familiar to yours. So I am a lifelong learner, people. I was in school for a really long time, you guys. 

Catholic school for 12 years, and if you went to Catholic school, and if you went to Catholic school with me, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Then I traversed to Ohio University for undergrad, the Medical College of Ohio for medical school, and finally, residency at the University of Ohio. 

Nationwide Children's Hospital here in Columbus, although at the time it was called Columbus Children's. It wasn't branded yet. These were mostly incredible institutions that taught me so much, but they had one thing in common. 

There was this unspoken rule that I heard very loudly that permeated every classroom, every clinical rotation, every interaction. You better get it right, and you better get it right fast. The message was clear. 

Your worth as a student, as a person, was directly tied to how quickly you could master the material. Struggling meant you weren't smart enough. Questions meant you weren't paying attention. Making mistakes meant you probably didn't belong there. 

And here's the thing. I was really pretty good at this game. I knew how to study, how to perform, how to look like I had it all figured out, even when most of the time I absolutely did not. At times, I was the queen of fake it till you make it because the alternative, admitting I didn't know something, felt way too risky. 

Does this sound familiar? So you might be thinking, what's changed? This weekend, I started my level one training in internal family systems. For those of you who don't know what IFS is, it's this beautiful approach that helps people understand and heal different parts of themselves and start to lead with more me-energy, self-energy. 

And I've been wanting to learn this for some time now. So I logged on to zoom with my usual energy on Thursday morning, you know that I need to understand this perfectly and probably be the best student here energy my valedictorian energy, right? 

My inner perfectionist was ready to prove that I belonged that I was smart enough that I could master this material quickly. I also had a bit of my imposter showing up as I was the only coach in a zoom room of incredible therapists, counselors and social workers. 

And then something completely unexpected happened. Within the first hour of the learning, the instructors looked at our group of about 30 people and said something like, you're all new to this. And you're definitely not going to get it right at first. 

In fact, there really is no right or wrong way to learn this method of helping people. You have permission to make mistakes and fail and learn that way. I was like record scratch. Wait, what did they just give me permission to be bad at something? 

Then they continued, we expect you to be confused. We expect you to stumble. We're all going to "step in shit" at some point. We expect you to have moments where you have no idea what you're doing. 

And that's not just okay. That's exactly how learning works. When I tell you I felt something shift in my nervous system, it was crazy. It was like this breath I didn't even know I was holding, just was able to be released and exhaled. 

For the first time, in 52 years, someone had created a learning container for me, where making mistakes wasn't just tolerated, it was expected and welcome. Where not knowing wasn't a sign of failure, it was a sign of being human. 

And you guys, I cried right there on the Zoom. I even raised my hand to share, of course, speaking through my tears, naming the safety my system felt in that moment, because I realized what had been missing my entire life. 

I've been so busy protecting myself from the shame of not knowing that I'd actually never experienced the joy of learning. Think about that all of this schooling and I had never experienced the joy of learning. 

Here I was, a woman who teaches people about B-minus work, about letting go of perfectionism, about to experience what truly letting go of that felt like. The vulnerability was intense and also incredible. 

And this was hour one of 32 hours for the four-day weekend. And then they invited us to practice with one another after we did some learning. I didn't spend the whole time worried about whether I was doing it right. 

I could actually just be curious. I could experiment. I could ask questions without feeling stupid. And in fact, as soon as I felt like a fish out of water, I call the timeout and asked my observing teacher for guidance. 

It felt so luxurious and open and spacious. It was crazy. My brain and my body were finally able to relax and actually absorb the information instead of using all of our energy to look competent. Here's what I realized during those four days and what I want you to really hear. 

Most of us have been conditioned to believe that our worth is tied to our performance. That being good at something quickly means we're smart, capable, worthy of love and belonging, worthy of existing and taking up space. 

We've been taught that struggle equals failure when actually struggle equals growth. We've been taught that questions reveal ignorance when actually questions simply reveal our curiosity. We've been taught that mistakes are shameful when actually mistakes are simply data. 

Think about traditional education for a minute. It rewards right answers over curiosity. It punishes not knowing with bad grades, with public embarrassment, with the message that you're not smart enough to be here. 

Especially those of us who went on to train in medicine like I did and when I did, it definitely involved shame and even cruelty sometimes. No wonder so many of us brilliant women avoid trying new things as adults. 

No wonder we stick to what we already know, what we're good at. No wonder we'd rather stay small than risk looking foolish. 

Here's what happens when we actually are safe to learn. Our nervous system can relax. We can be curious instead of correct. Our creativity emerges. Our authentic self gets to show up, and it can actually be fun and playful. When we're not defending our competence, when our competence is not on trial, we can actually become competent. 

So I want you to think about this. Where in life are you avoiding trying something new because you might not immediately be good at it? Maybe it's a hobby that you've always wanted to try painting, dancing, playing an instrument. 

Maybe it's a career pivot that you've been considering, but you keep talking yourself out of it because you don't have the right experience yet. Maybe it's learning to set boundaries with your family. 

Maybe it's saying no with every 20-minute explanation of why you can't do something. Maybe it's having that difficult conversation you've been avoiding. Maybe it's something as simple as going to a new fitness class where you might look awkward, or speaking up in a meeting when you're not 100% sure your idea is the one. 

Here's what I know about you. You're brilliant, you're capable, and you've probably been avoiding things not because you can't learn them, but because you've been conditioned to believe that not being immediately good at something means something's wrong with you. 

But nothing is wrong with you. You're just human, and humans learn by doing things badly first. If this is speaking to you, I would love it if you would consider this your official permission slip. Actually, consider these your official permission slips because I'm writing you several. 

Permission to suck at something while you're learning. Not just a little bit, permission to be really truly sucky. Be awkward and confused and have no idea what you're doing. Permission to ask questions that may sound basic to other people. 

Your learning matters more than their opinion of your questions. Trust me when I tell you that, especially in a group learning environment, if you have the question, odds are that someone else in the group also has the exact same question. 

Permission to fucking take up space while you figure it out. You don't have to shrink yourself to make other people comfortable with your learning process. You don't ever have to shrink. Take up as much fucking space as you need and maybe even then some. 

Permission to prioritize learning overlooking good. What other people think of your competence is none of your business anyway. None of what other people think of you is your business. Remember permission to change your mind about what you thought you wanted to learn. 

Sometimes we start down one path and realize it's not for us. And that's valuable information too. And here's the big one: Permission to be proud of yourself for trying regardless of the outcome. Now you don't have to wait for someone else to create this safety for you like my IFS instructors did for me. 

You can just start giving it to yourself right now. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend who's learning something new. 

If your best friend called you and said I tried that painting class today and my painting looks like a kindergartner did it. What would you say to her? You'd probably say something like of course it did. 

You've never painted before. I'm so proud of you for trying. Why aren't you giving yourself that exact same energy? Celebrate attempts not just successes. Did you sign up for the class? Did you show up even though you were nervous? 

Did you try something new that felt scary? Remember that you're not supposed to know everything already. There's this weird myth that adults should just magically know how to do things. But think about it, unless you've been in one of my coaching containers, when did someone teach you how to have difficult conversations? 

When did someone teach you how to set boundaries? When did someone teach you how to prioritize yourself without feeling guilty? You're learning these things now because no one has taught them to you before. 

And that's okay. And if you have learned these things by working with me or someone else who offers these tools and skills and this guidance, congratulations, that definitely deserves celebration. So all of my clients pat yourselves on the back, give yourself a little hooray. 

Here's the thing about becoming a favorite version of yourself. It requires trying new ways of being and new ways of being feel vulnerable and messy at first. Learning to put yourself first might feel selfish initially. 

Setting boundaries might feel scary and a little mean. Saying what you really think might feel risky. Asking for what you want might feel demanding. Your favorite view is on the other side of being willing to be bad at being her first. 

If you're working with me or if you're thinking about it, I want you to know something. I will never ask you to get it right immediately. I will never shame you for not knowing something. In fact, I think that not knowing is where all the magic happens. 

You get to be curious about yourself. You get to experiment with new ways of thinking and being. You get to feel spectacular at putting yourself first and then try again tomorrow. Hell, you don't even have to wait until tomorrow. 

You can try it again in an instant because that's how humans work, grow, messily, imperfectly, beautifully. Your favorite you is not the version who never makes mistakes. Your favorite you is the version who's brave enough to make mistakes in service of becoming who she's meant to be. 

So here's what I want to leave you with. What if this week you've tried one small thing you've been avoiding because you might not be good at it right away. Maybe you finally sign up for that class. Maybe you have that conversation. 

Maybe you practice saying no and having it be a complete sentence without explaining yourself. Maybe you speak up in that meeting or with your friends. Maybe you booked that consult with yours truly. I'm ready. 

What if you gave yourself the same grace you'd give a toddler learning to walk. They fall down constantly and we celebrate every wobbly step. We don't expect them to just figure it out immediately. 

We know that falling is part of the process. You deserve that same celebration. You deserve that same patience. You deserve to learn and grow without having to be perfect at it. The vulnerability you'll feel, that's not a sign you're doing it wrong. 

That's a sign you're doing something brave. That's a sign that you're growing. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear about it. What's one thing you've been wanting to try but you've been afraid that you won't be a person's MD? 

And remember, beautiful human, your favorite you is not the one who never makes mistakes. Your favorite you is the one who's brave enough to make them in service of becoming who she's meant to be. I'll talk with you next week.

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!