Ep 134: Give Yourself Credit

We are usually so quick to blame ourselves when something goes wrong–our thoughts spiral to how we could have been better or done more. But when something goes right, we often deflect and fail to take credit for our accomplishments.

Today, we'll unpack the tendency–especially among women–to downplay our successes while amplifying our failures. We'll talk about why we do this, how it affects our relationships with ourselves and others, and what we can do instead.

Giving yourself credit isn't about inflating your ego or diminishing others' contributions; it's simply about acknowledging the truth of your efforts and abilities. Many of us struggle to do this, so in this episode, I’ll give you tips and tools to help you practice receiving compliments and recognizing the amazing things you bring to the table.

You deserve to feel the satisfaction and joy that comes from recognizing your worth, and that recognition is the foundation for you becoming a favorite version of yourself. A version that knows her value, shares her gifts without apology, and inspires others to do the same. 

Click HERE to get the full show notes.

Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Well hello my friends, welcome back to another episode of Your Favorite You. 

I'm your host, Melissa Parsons, and today we're going to talk about something that I know so many of us struggle with, which is giving ourselves credit when things are going well in our lives. Hopefully you know what I'm talking about. Usually when something doesn't go right, we're very quick to blame ourselves. We have thoughts like, “I should have done this differently,” or “I'm not good enough,” or “I knew I'd mess this up.” But when things are going amazingly well, we tend to have thoughts like, “Oh, I just got lucky,” or it was good timing, or really anyone could have done that. 

Does this sound familiar? So today we're going to be unpacking this tendency, especially common among women, to downplay our successes while amplifying our failures. We'll talk about why we do this, how it affects our relationships with ourselves, our partners, our children, and our colleagues, and then most importantly, what we can do instead. 

Owning your success isn't arrogant, it is accurate, and it's essential to becoming the most authentic, confident version of yourself. Essential for becoming your favorite you, which is why you're listening to this podcast. 

As I so often do here on the podcast, and as I do when you're my client, I want to start by exploring why this is such a common occurrence, particularly for us women, why it's so hard for us to say, “Yes, I did that, I crushed it.” One of the things I love to help women do is to make sense of themselves, to help them figure out why they do the things they do that they don't love before we ever consider trying something different in you. 

First, as always, there's the cultural conditioning we've all been subjected to since childhood. From a young age, girls are often praised for being nice, for being helpful, and for being modest. So don't show off, don't be too loud, make sure everyone else feels included, don't get too big for your britches. 

These messages, while well-intentioned, can create a deep discomfort with claiming our achievements. Research has shown that women are more likely to attribute their success to external factors like luck, timing, or the help of others, while men are more likely to attribute their success to their own abilities and efforts. 

Why doesn't this surprise any of us women? This isn't because women are actually less responsible for their successes. It's because we've internalized these cultural messages. There's also something called the double bind. Researchers call it the double bind. So when women do take credit for their accomplishments, they often face backlash that men just don't experience. So we are caught in a nearly impossible situation where modesty is expected. But then our contributions go unrecognized. Studies have shown that women who self-promote in the workplace are often perceived as less likable, also known as bitchy, while men who do the same are seen as confident and competent. 

So it's no wonder we hesitate. One of the biggest culprits, however, might be our own perfectionism. So raise your hand if you're a recovering perfectionist like me. We set these impossibly high standards for ourselves, and then when we achieve something great but not perfect, we focus on the perceived gaps rather than the victories. 

So thinking, “Sure, I ran that half marathon, but my time wasn't as good as I wanted.” Or “Yes, I got the promotion, but I probably should have negotiated better.” Our brains are wired to focus more on the negative information than the positive. 

So that damn negativity bias strikes again. In our evolutionary past, paying attention to threats and problems was crucial for survival. But now in modern life, this tendency means we often fixate on our mistakes, while barely acknowledging any of our wins. 

And let's not forget the comparison trap. In this age of social media, we're constantly exposed to everyone's highlight reels. When we see other people's polished achievements, our own can seem insignificant by comparison. 

“Sure, I started a small business, but look at what she's accomplished…” This comparison robs us of the joy of our own journey. And the truth is diminishing our accomplishments isn't humility. It can actually be a form of self-sabotage. It doesn't just affect how we feel about ourselves. It can ripple out into every relationship in our life. So what is the real impact of not claiming your victories? Unfortunately, this habit doesn't stay contained within ourselves. 

It affects every relationship in our lives. So first, there's our relationship with ourselves. When we consistently downplay our achievements, we erode our own self-confidence. We start to genuinely believe that our successes are accidents, which of course makes it harder to trust ourselves when facing new challenges. We become our own worst critics instead of our biggest cheerleaders. This pattern also affects your relationship with your partner. When we can't acknowledge our own worth, we often become overly dependent on external validation. We need our partners to constantly reassure us, which can create an unhealthy dynamic. And worse, we might choose partners who don't celebrate our successes because that actually feels more comfortable to us than someone who sees our greatness when we can't see it ourselves. 

For those of us who are parents, this has a profound impact on our kiddos. As I've said so many times in the past, if you've been listening, our children don't just listen to what we say. They watch what we do, and that is way more impactful. So when they hear mom constantly diminishing her achievements, they learn that this is how successful women should behave. Our daughters unfortunately pick up this habit, and our sons form expectations about how women should act. 

By claiming our successes, we can give our children permission to claim theirs. In our professional lives, not taking credit has tangible consequences. It can mean missed promotions, being overlooked for projects, and not receiving fair compensation for our contribution. 

A Harvard Business Review study found that women's tendency to underestimate their performance, and men's tendency to overestimate theirs, accounts for a significant portion of early career advancement gaps. 

And then finally, there's the impact on our overall well-being. There's a special kind of stress that comes from constantly discounting your efforts. It's exhausting to achieve something and then immediately move the goalpost further out. We rob ourselves of the joy, pride, and satisfaction that should come with achievement. And these feelings are actually crucial for our mental health and our future motivation. So what can we do instead? How do we break this pattern and learn to give ourselves credit where credit is due? 

How do we change this pattern? The first step is awareness, which you've actually already been building by listening to this episode. So start paying attention to how you respond when something goes well. 

Do you immediately deflect praise? Do you mentally discount your role in the success? Do you act in a self-deprecating way? Just noticing these patterns is powerful. Next, I would suggest creating something called the success inventory. 

This is simply a document or a few to 100 pages in your journal where you list your achievements, both big and small. Go back as far as you can remember. Include your academic accomplishments, any career wins, relationship milestones, personal growth moments, anything that requires effort, courage or persistence on your part. Really anytime you felt like a favorite version of yourself that you can recall. What's powerful about this exercise is really seeing your successes all in one place. It becomes almost impossible to dismiss them as flukes when you see a pattern of achievement over the course of your lifetime. And on tough days, this inventory can be a powerful reminder of your capabilities. 

Let's quickly talk about the language that we use. I know and I hope that I can teach you that words matter, especially the ones that we say to ourselves. When something goes well, practice saying, “Thank you”--I worked really hard on that–instead of, “Oh, it was nothing.”

And when you catch yourself saying, “I got lucky,” you can reframe it as, “I was prepared when the opportunity arose.” This language also extends to how we receive compliments. For many women, the automatic response to praise is deflection, like, “Oh, this old thing,” or “It was a team effort,” or “Anyone could have done it.” Practice simply saying, “Thank you,” and letting the compliment sink in. It feels a little uncomfortable at first, but I promise it gets easier with practice. My coach Maggie modeled this for me so beautifully whenever I told her what a badass she was, whenever I told her what an awesome coach she was, how grateful I was to have her in my world. She simply said, I received that. I've taken her cue with this, and it's something I now say whenever anyone compliments me. People genuinely seem to love this response once they get over the surprise of hearing it the first time. 

Another powerful practice is keeping a celebration logger journal. So at the end of each day, or at the end of each week going forward, write down three things you did well, or three things that you're proud of. They don't have to be major achievements. Maybe you handled the difficult conversation with grace, or you took some time each day to move your body with love, or you finally made that dentist appointment you've been putting off. The point is to train your brain to notice and celebrate your wins instead of just your perceived failures. And then for those tough moments when imposter syndrome hits hard, you can create what I call a proof of competence file. 

This can be a folder on your computer or phone where you save emails of praise, positive performance reviews, any thank-you notes that you get, or simple screenshots of your achievements. If you're old like me and have lots of written thank-you notes and cards from people, you can keep a file folder in your desk. And then when doubt creeps in, you can pull out the file as tangible evidence of your capabilities and watch your heart and body swell with pride. At first, we call this the proof of competence file, but once we get used to feeling good and taking credit where credit is due, you can name it something way more sexy than that. But sometimes it takes using the word competence and downplaying it a little bit for people to buy into this idea. I also want to talk about the importance of celebrating other successes authentically. 

Sometimes we downplay our own achievements because we're afraid of making others feel bad. But here's the truth: genuine confidence and self-acknowledgement isn't about comparison or competition. You can fully celebrate someone else's win while also honoring your own journey. 

In fact, women who can genuinely celebrate each other create a powerful ripple effect of confidence. But these are the rooms that I love to be in, and you can believe as I do that a rising tide lifts all boats. 

Now let's talk quickly about how claiming your success connects to becoming your favorite version of yourself, because this is what it's really about. When you acknowledge your efforts and achievements, you build a more accurate picture of who you are and what you're capable of. 

This accurate self-image is the foundation of authentic confidence. Not the fake it till you make it kind, but the quiet, grounded certainty that comes from knowing your own strength. This self-acknowledgement helps you take healthy risks. 

When you recognize that past successes were the result of your abilities and efforts rather than just luck, you're more likely to pursue new opportunities. You can understand that you have the capacity to meet challenges and learn from them. 

There's also a beautiful resilience that comes from balanced self-assessment. When you can honestly evaluate both your strengths and your areas of birth growth, you become less afraid of failure. You know that setbacks don't define you because you have evidence of your capability and perseverance. There's a powerful ripple effect when women own their success. When you acknowledge your achievements, you give other women permission to do the same. You become living proof that it's possible to be both accomplished and likable, both successful and supportive. 

I truly believe that women who can say, I did this and I'm proud of it, are changing the cultural narrative, not just for themselves, but for all the women who come after them. And maybe some of the women who came before them. So your nieces, your daughters, the young women in your community, maybe some of your aunts or even, you know, your own mom might see that you're changing the cultural narrative and know that they can do it for themselves. So you get to be the model of healthy pride and self acknowledgement. And perhaps most importantly, there's a freedom that comes from giving yourself credit. It's the freedom to shine without apology, to take up space, to recognize that your contributions matter. 

It's the understanding that acknowledging your worth doesn't diminish anyone else's. There's room for all of us to be remarkable. Again, a rising tide lifts all boats. And this doesn't mean ignoring areas where you can grow and pretending you never make mistakes. It means having a compassionate, accurate view of yourself that includes both your triumphs and your opportunities. It means extending the same grace to yourself that you so readily offer others.

I want to leave you with a simple but powerful challenge. This week, I want you to catch yourself in the act of diminishing your achievements. When you notice it happening, pause, take a breath, and then consciously get curious about how you could be talking to yourself about yourself differently. 

Instead of, “I just got lucky with that presentation,” try, “I prepared thoroughly and delivered effectively.” Instead of, “Anyone could have handled that situation,” acknowledge, “I brought my unique skills and perspective to that challenge.”

Instead of, “It was no big deal,” allow yourself to say, “I'm proud of what I accomplished. I received that.” The more you practice this reframing, the more natural it becomes. And over time, you'll build a more accurate, compassionate relationship with yourself. And that's what I want for you. 

Remember, giving yourself credit isn't about inflating your ego or diminishing others contributions. It's simply about acknowledging the truth of your efforts and abilities. It's about claiming the life you've built through intentionality, through your choices, your perseverance, and your courage. You deserve to feel the satisfaction and joy that comes from recognizing your worth. And that recognition is the foundation for you becoming a favorite version of yourself. A version that knows her value, shares her gifts without apology, and inspires others to do the same. Thank you so much for joining me for this conversation. 

If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear all about it. Share your thoughts on social media or leave a review letting me know what hit home for you. Your achievements aren't accidents. You earned them, you created them, and you deserve to celebrate them. 

Now go celebrate until next week. I'll see you then.

Hold up, don't go anywhere. Before we wrap up today, I want to invite you to take the next step in becoming your favorite you. If what we discussed today resonated with you and you're thinking, damn, I want more of this in my life, I have amazing news. 

I'm currently enrolling for my next Your Favorite You group coaching program starting April 23rd. This is a powerful six-month journey where you'll join a carefully curated group of incredible women who, just like you, are ready to stop settling for good enough and create lives that they truly love. 

Here's the thing, the window to join is closing soon. The last day to schedule your complimentary consult with me is April 18th. During this one-hour call, we'll explore if this group is the right fit for you and you'll walk away with clarity regardless. 

I only open enrollment a few times each year and several awesome women have already said yes to themselves and yes to joining us. So if something inside you is saying, maybe I should do this, I encourage you to listen to that voice and book a consult. 

You've got nothing to lose and potentially so much to gain. Visit melissaparsonscoaching.com forward slash group to grab a time on my calendar. I can't wait to connect with you and show you what's possible when you decide to become a favorite version of yourself. 

Until next time, remember you don't have to do this alone.