Ep 130: Fix-It Mode

Are you the person your friends and family turn to when they have a problem? This can feel fulfilling for those of us who identify as helpers and caregivers, but it can also lead to an unhealthy role–the fixer. 

Our tendency to fix things for others often comes from a place of love, but it can actually hinder growth—both theirs and our own. When we pause, breathe, and resist the urge to jump into fix-it mode, we create space for authentic connection and genuine development.

In this episode, I share tools and phrases to use that will help you practice offering support while also providing space for your loved ones to find their own solutions. We’ll explore how finding this balance will profoundly transform your relationships and help you live more in alignment with your favorite version of yourself.

Click HERE to get the full show notes.

Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hello Your Favorite You listeners! If this is your first time listening, welcome to the podcast!

If you are one of my loyal listeners, welcome back! I am so glad you are here.

Today, I want to talk about something I have been working on personally and, of course, have been coaching my beautiful clients on.

I am going to wager a guess that many of you who are listening are the people that your friends and family call when they have a problem in their life. I am guessing this because this is who I often am in my circle, and I know so many of you are like me.

Don’t get me wrong - often I enjoy this role - I was made for it and it is likely due to my love of being a helper. 

Some time ago now, I identified that when others come to me with their issues and problems, and they are NOT one of my clients, my nervous system gets activated. Many of you have know or have heard what happens when our sympathetic nervous system gets activated - you have heard the choices of fight, flight, freeze, appease… I think I have identified another choice that I and many of my clients go to when we are activated and that is FIX.

Prior to coaching, and, let’s be honest - even WITH coaching, if someone I care about calls me or comes to me with one of their problems, and I get activated, my brain immediately goes to how can I help this person FIX this?

So, if I can catch myself in the moment and pause - I will often ask my friends or my boys - are you looking for a friend right now - do you simply want to vent and be heard? Or are you calling me because you know I am a fantastic coach and you want help figuring out some solutions?

My friends often want me in BOTH of these roles - so I will ask them, where do you want to go first?

My boys, about 97.3 percent of the time, just want me to listen and commiserate as they vent. This consists of me saying, ‘yes, that sucks’ multiple times in a row… offering snugs and hugs, or just to sit with them, depending on which of my 3 boys happens to have the problem… 

This allows all of our nervous systems to calm down enough to feel even the tiniest bit better. Remember, when emotions are high, intelligence is low… so trying to come up with any solutions when you are activated is nearly impossible - you only have a few choices - fight, flight, freeze, appease, and now FIX!

Once everyone has calmed down, paused for a bit, and had a chance to breathe… it becomes so much easier for the person with the problem to come up with brilliant and creative solutions that just are not available to you when you are activated.

Especially with our pre-teen, teen, and young adult children, I want to offer that if you are constantly jumping in to fix their problems - YOU are the only one who gets better at fixing problems. And, what we really want is for our kids to get better at solving their own problems.

It likely will take some self-coaching and reassuring yourself the next time this happens, if you try to take this approach… The goal is for you to stay calm and grounded when they are activated… this is nearly impossible to do without practice. And, it’s not your fault. Remember, this is just YOUR nervous system trying to keep you safe because when it feels like our kids are NOT safe, it is normal for us to go Mama Bear! And, don’t get me wrong, sometimes we do need to go FULL MAMA BEAR to keep our kids safe… AND the vast majority of the time this is simply NOT the case. 

The next time you find yourself in this situation, you may notice yourself get activated and go into fix-it mode.

The first thing you can do when you notice yourself doing this is to STOP and LISTEN instead of talking. You may have heard the acronym WAIT - which stands for Why Am I Talking? 

So, stop, ask yourself “Why am I talking?” and actually listen.

OK, no problem - to help myself feel safe, I went into fix it mode. I’m trying NOT to do this right now. This is you reminding yourself and being compassionate. I did this, it makes sense that I did this, it’s OK that it happened.

Then, you can offer yourself one or all of the following phrases the next time your child is upset or frustrated or angry about a problem they have… 

• “Nothing has gone wrong here.” 
• To borrow from Byron Katie, “Other than the thoughts my brain is offering me right now, we are actually quite safe at the moment.”
• “This is not an emergency. There is nothing to fix right this moment.”

Of course, in addition to these phrases, you can also come up with a phrase that works just for you - these are just suggestions that have worked for myself and my amazing clients. And of course I am sure there are more.

It truly is possible to stay in the eye of the hurricane, where it is calm and quiet. If you find yourself getting sucked into the swirl of the hurricane, it is possible to get back to the eye with some deep breaths and offering yourself the thoughts I just shared or the one that you come up with. 

Also, when we are constantly trying to ‘help’ other people we love by ‘fixing’ their problems, imagine what that does to their confidence. It certainly does not boost it.

I recently had to remind myself that problems that are not mine are not mine to fix. With the help of my coach and my therapist, I found the part of me that thinks it is her responsibility to fix everything for myself and for everyone that I love. It turns out that this part of me has been active since I was quite young and she really wants a friggin’ break. When I was doing this discovery work, my highest and wisest inner self immediately reminded this younger part of me about one of the moments I am most proud of in my parenting journey and that was when sweet Jack was cut from the soccer team senior year… he was so upset… initially my brain said that we did not know what to do… I remembered that I messaged my coach and she reminded me that I DID know what to do… so I was able to calm myself down, I was able to listen to my intuition, and just sat with him while he was upset… there was nothing to fix, there was nothing to do, despite what my brain was telling me initially, nothing had gone wrong, there was no problem to fix, we were both sitting in his bedroom and we were quite safe…

Yes, 5 minutes later, he was still hurting; 5 days later, he was still hurting; 5 weeks later, he was still hurting; 5 months later, he was doing ok… and now almost 5 years later, he is a better human because of that failure, and I am a better mom and human because I was able to stay present and calm in those moments, weeks, and months later…

So, next time one of your people comes to you with a problem, you can remind yourself that this may not actually be your problem to fix. You can offer yourself some of the calming phrases I offered earlier, and watch the magic happen. 

Now, I can hear some of you thinking, 'But what if my child makes a terrible decision if I don't jump in and help?' This may be a legitimate concern. The key is distinguishing between being supportive–being a lighthouse parent–versus taking over–being a helicopter parent. There's nuance and a middle ground where you can ask, 'Would you like to brainstorm together?' or 'What options have you considered so far?'

Sometimes the stakes genuinely are high. If your teenager is considering dropping out of school or your friend is in an unsafe relationship, these situations might require more active involvement. But even then, approach with curiosity first: 'I'm concerned about this situation. Can we talk through the different angles together?' And kind of ask open-ended questions. This preserves their agency and sense of sovereignty while still offering your wisdom.

You can also remember that failure is actually an essential teacher. When we rush to prevent every potential mistake, we rob our loved ones of valuable growth opportunities. Ask yourself: 'Is this a lesson they need to learn firsthand?' Some of life's most important wisdom comes through experiencing consequences directly.

I would also offer that stepping back from fixing everyone else's problems doesn't just benefit them—it transforms your life in profound ways. When I stopped automatically jumping into fix mode, I noticed my energy levels dramatically improved. That constant background anxiety of carrying everyone else's problems right alongside my own had been draining me more than I realized.

A consequence of this is that my relationships deepened. People started sharing more authentically because they knew I wouldn't immediately try to 'solve' them. Think about how you feel when you are with a friend who is always offering you unsolicited advice. It feels like criticism and it may lead to you thinking something is wrong with you and that YOU need to be fixed. It’s a very powerful thing to be truly seen and heard without judgment or immediate solutions.

Perhaps most surprisingly, I found myself more creative and productive in my own life. All that mental bandwidth I'd been using to solve other people's challenges became available for my own projects and dreams. It has helped me become a more steady entrepreneur. In the past, I would drop all of the things on my list to do in order to help someone else. You can imagine - or you may know personally - how that affects your ability to get anything done for yourself!

And there's a beautiful ripple effect. As you model this healthier boundary, you give others permission to do the same. You demonstrate what it looks like to be supportive without being depleted. This is especially valuable if you have children watching how you navigate relationships. Finally, it's worth acknowledging that our tendency to fix isn't happening in a vacuum–none of our life is. We live in a culture that assigns the 'fixer' role disproportionately to certain people. And of course women, particularly mothers, often shoulder the emotional labor and increased mental load of smoothing over problems and maintaining harmony in relationships. Many of us were raised watching our mothers or other relatives exhaust themselves making everything 'okay' for everyone else.

There are also cultural differences in how we approach problems. Some cultures value independence and self-reliance, while others emphasize community problem-solving and interdependence. Neither approach is inherently better, but understanding your cultural inheritance around 'helping' can provide insight into your automatic responses and it can help you make sense of why you do what you do.

For many of us who identify as helpers, fixers, or caregivers, our self-worth has become entangled with our ability to solve problems for others. Stepping back might initially trigger uncomfortable questions like 'If I'm not fixing everything for everyone else, what value am I bringing?' This is precisely why this work is so profound—it challenges us to recognize our inherent worth beyond what we do for others.

When you feel that urge to fix rising up, remember that resisting this cultural conditioning is revolutionary in its own quiet way. You're not just helping your loved one develop resilience; you're participating in a broader shift toward a more sustainable, mutually empowering relationship. So, to recap what we've explored today: Our tendency to fix others' problems often comes from a place of love, but it can actually hinder growth—both theirs and our own. When we pause, breathe, and resist the urge to jump into fix-it mode, we create space for authentic connection and genuine development.

Remember, this isn't about abandoning those you care about—it's about showing up differently. By staying present without immediately trying to fix, you're offering something far more valuable than quick solutions: you're offering trust in their capabilities and confidence in their journey.

This practice isn't just a gift to others—it's a gift to yourself as well. Less mental load, deeper connections, more energy for your own priorities, and the freedom to be present without carrying the responsibility for every outcome. Freedom. It’s amazing.

So the next time someone comes to you with a problem, take a breath, remember you're safe, and ask yourself: "What if nothing needs to be fixed right now?" That pause might just be the most powerful support you can offer.

Until next time, I'm sending you all the courage to simply be present without needing to fix—it's harder than it sounds, but I promise it's worth it. I would love to hear from you if you try this. Of course, I want to hear your triumphs, AND I would also love to hear from you if you get stuck! 

OK folks–until next time. Have a great week.

Hey, hold up. Before I let you go today, I've got something that might just change your life if you let it. And no, that's not an April Fool's joke, even though that's exactly when this is happening. 

Mark your calendar for April 1st. Yes, April Fool's Day, because the universe has a sense of humor and so do I. I'm hosting a workshop called Figure Out What You Want, the five steps high achievers need to go from frustration to ease. And trust me, the only fool you'll be is if you miss it.

For all of you overachievers who excel at everything except figuring out what the hell you actually want, this one is for you. You know who you are, brilliant at solving everyone else's problems but drawing a complete blank when it comes to your own desires.

In this webinar, I'll be sharing why you're not broken for not knowing what you want. Spoiler, it's by design, not by accident. My simple five step process that's helped so many of my clients get unstuck. How to stop polling the audience every time you need to make a decision. And why the thought “I'll figure it out on my own,” might be the biggest lie you're telling yourself. You'll walk away with actual tools, not just inspirational fluff that fades by tomorrow.

And for those ready to do the real work, I'll share my details about my Your Favorite You Group coaching program kicking off April 23rd. To register, just head to MelissaParsonsCoaching.com/workshop. Spots are filling up faster than your Amazon cart during a stress shopping episode. Ask me how I know.

So if you're tired of not knowing what you want or worse, knowing but not doing anything about it, this is your sign. Come hang out with me on April Fool's Day and let's make it no joke that you start prioritizing yourself. Until next week, remember, everyone else has an opinion about your life, but only one opinion actually matters: yours.