Your Favorite You
Your Favorite You
Ep 121: You Can Stop Pretending with Nina
Have you ever paused after someone asked, “How are you?” and wondered if you were answering honestly or just saying, “I’m fine,” out of habit? It’s instinct to pretend we feel a certain way because we think it will be easier for those around us, but this only leads to isolation and perpetuation of the self-doubt that holds us back from living the life of our dreams.
In this episode, you’ll hear from Nina, one of my current clients, about how she stopped pretending and learned that she deserves honesty–from herself and others. It’s scary to take the first step and ask for help on this journey, but as Nina shares, the self-trust and authenticity gained are worth it–and they are possible for you, too.
Click HERE to get the full show notes.
Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.
If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.
Melissa
Hello, everyone. And welcome back to your favorite. You. I am thrilled today because I am joined by my client Nina, who has been working with me in th, your favorite you group for the past one and a half years, which is crazy. And she's one of the OG members of the group. Yeah. You have to think about it, right? Has it really been that long? As a little bit Nina of an introduction by way of introduction, a little bit about your favorite version of you after having done this work in the group with me and the other amazing women in the group. And then we can also let people know that you've done other work too. You know, it hasn't just been group coaching. You've done therapy and you've been in other groups and you know, that type of thing. And you've really kind of gone all in on yourself this past year and a half from what I can tell. So.
Nina
Huh. I didn't really think about all of the different work and groups that I've... Yeah, you're right.
Melissa
Yeah. Lots of different modalities.
Nina
Yes, yes, which just all sort of came from the work that I started doing with Melissa a year and a half ago. So my favorite version of myself that honestly is still in progress but I've come such a long way, my favorite version of myself is, you know, this just very embodied, confident woman who just is no longer pretending, right? Who has boundaries, who practices them and upholds them, who is accountable to herself. We talk about this a lot, but who's sort of impeccable with her word, right? One of the four agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz. And I don't mean that as I don't swear because I do and we will. But I'm just really intentional and careful about what I say without being too measured and careful. I'm just much more, I think this is one of my words this year, authentic. And I think when we pretend too much, we totally get disconnected from our authenticity. And so that's where I am and where I continue to progress towards I think right now.
Melissa
Yeah. I love that. I love that for you. I love it for me. I, too, and I think everyone who undergoes any type of coaching journey, recognizes that there is not an end point and that we keep continuing to evolve and change and grow and be more truthful and more authentic with other people. And I think what I've seen a lot in you, Nina, is your willingness to be truthful and authentic and impeccable with your word to yourself.
Nina
I think I– do you remember this when I first came to the group, I said, “Melissa, I don't know if a group's right for me because I tend to sit quietly in the back.”
Melissa
I remember.
Nina
And you were like, that's okay, that's where we'll start, you know, and you were very cool about it. And I was like, well, we'll give this a shot, but that's absolutely... I'm that person who probably isn't going to raise their hand because they don't... I was this person, this is a part of me that didn't want to raise her hand because either I figured I could do it on my own or like I might be judged for asking a question. So I learned how to kind of just figure it all out on my own, which is good to an extent. But when I joined your group, I definitely had some things in my vault that I wasn't sure I could share about.
Melissa
So my coach taught me, and I hope I have taught all of you that whenever tears come, we take time for them and we don't rush through them. So they're there to tell us something. So I think it's beautiful that your emotion is coming up and that you're showing it, especially for someone who at the beginning did tell me, “Hey, like I'm afraid I'm not gonna get what I need out of this group because I'm, I don't tend to, I tend to sit in the back and not raise my hand. And what I remember saying to that was not, it's okay. It was, thank you for telling me because you think I'm going to let you get away with that now that you told me.
Nina
That is what you said.
Melissa
Right? Yeah, with all the love and gentleness and not like dragging you out to come and share when you're not ready, right? And I think that as we have worked together, the more I have helped you to see that you don't need to judge yourself as harshly as you were, it becomes so much easier to share because really in any situation, typically, unless you are somebody who has sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies, you know, you are the person who's judging yourself the most harshly in any situation. And I think, I'm sure that my listeners, or maybe not, maybe you haven't heard this, but you know, we only judge other people to the level at which we're judging ourselves. And I think that, you know, one of the beauties of the group is that from the get go, I say, this is not a place where I'm going to let you judge one another, this is not a place where I'm going to let you judge yourself harshly. In my presence, like, yeah, we're going to catch that every time it happens, and see where it's coming from, and that type of thing. So yeah, so yeah, so beautiful.
So yeah, a couple weeks ago, this was way before the holidays, we were in our group session, and Sweet Nina said, Melissa, you should do an episode on the podcast about pretending. And I said, Yes, I should. And you should be my guest, because you have, you know, lived so much into truth, and not pretending over these past couple of years. So tell me, why did you think people needed to hear about pretending on the podcast?
Nina
I think we walk around the world in an automatic place. I think when people ask me how I am and I say I'm fine. Personally, I did that for too long and I was not fine.
And I think it is isolating for everyone who does it, and I'm, this is my experience too, we isolate ourselves and, um, that's where shame lives, right? It limited me from taking up space on this planet because I wasn't first being honest with myself or the people who meant the most to me, like my best friends, you know, didn't know what was going on in my life. And I needed to stop pretending. Yeah. And so even just the other day, my business partner has had bile duct cancer, she was diagnosed in April and has been through treatment all year. It's been brutal. And the other day I was catching up with her and because we are so close and talk so much every day, we're like, how are you great? Let's get going. You know? And I was like, Kelly, how are you doing today? And she lost it. She's cancer free. She literally answered this question balling. You know, she's not just fine. She was like, I am cancer... And we, we, I started crying. Like, this is what living is all about. We don't just, we celebrate these things. We stop. We like, I thought I was just going to get a fine from her and we were going to keep going, but this is kind of how she and I operate now. You know, thanks to some of the coaching I've gotten and she is coached as well. But this is how we create impact for ourselves and people around us. Like she's survived something very humongous. And yeah, we talk about it. This is how we relate or vulnerabilities connect us. And, um, as you can imagine, there is shame baked into cancer diagnoses and the cancer journey, and she's been very open about it. And I think that's been an inspiration to me too. Just, we don't pretend here that we're tough, that we can get through it. And that's a big part of what I've done too in my life. I've just like pretended I got it. I got it. And it's just not the truth.
Melissa
For people who might not quite get what you're saying, can you give me an example of like what you were pretending about and what you weren't being so truthful about?
Nina
Yeah, I was married for 16 years and there was a lot of infidelity in my marriage from day one. I didn't really understand that. I didn't see it going on. There was a lot of dishonesty and kind of, it's kind of click bait right now, but it really was technical gaslighting. He was not honest with me about what was going on and what I was finding. There was a lot of evidence that, and I believed him when he said it wasn't happening, or that I was the crazy one, or that I wasn't enough, or I was too much, or that I didn't tell him he was handsome enough. I believed all of these stories and so I really thought I was the problem for a long time. And finally, I came to work with Melissa because I couldn't not see what I was seeing, put it that way. And we went to counseling and he was like, I thought we were going to end the marriage. And he was like, no, I want to be better. I want to work through this. I want to try. And I was like, I don't know that I can do that. After all of this, I don't know if that's really what is in my heart and soul to do, but we had kids and a home and a community. And I thought, okay, let's try. And that's when we started working together. Because I was like, is this part of this favorite version of myself? Can I do this? Is this what's right for me? Is this behavior something I want to take the risk on? Will this keep happening? I just didn't know how to handle it. And I was so disconnected from my truths and what my standards of conduct were. I just needed to really come back to myself. And when we started working together and I was in this group, I hadn't even told my best friends about this. And I shared this with this group of women who, I mean, they were all lovely. But really, I think it was… it was you, Melissa, who were like, just helping me forgive myself and understand that like, the guy I married, you know, isn't the guy who I… you made it all make sense in a way that I hadn't done before.
Melissa
Yeah, yeah.
Nina
And I think part of my invitation in the group and to this day is just learning to forgive myself. Not be so hard on myself, not judge myself so hard for staying as long as I did.
Melissa
Yeah, I think a lot of the work that we have done was to make sense of why you were in it with him for 16 years, why now might be the time to start telling the truth to yourself and to him and to your kids and, you know, because I don't know exactly the situation at your house, but in my experience in working with other families as a pediatrician and then of course as a coach is that your kids may not know exactly what's going on, but they can sense that something isn't right.
Nina
Well, I didn't have to tell them, they asked me directly.
Melissa
Yeah.
Nina
Yeah, which was wild. So I had no idea what they were seeing or what they knew. All I had to say was, yes, because I'm not gonna lie anymore. I'm not going to pretend and I got a lot of flack for that from our family therapist, you know, and I just said, “Listen, I'd rather help my kids work through a difficult truth than to keep them confused and lie to them.” And this was a big part of the work we did together. I was like, I would rather… and I wasn't throwing anyone under the bus. These were the facts of my marriage. Yeah. And it was very inconvenient for the people around me when I spoke up, when I actually told the truth. These are just the facts. This isn't a story, this is just the facts of our marriage.
Melissa
Yeah. And I think a lot of people think that they should stay in a relationship like this, “For the kids.” And like, you're not doing your kids any favors. They are confused. Or they know what's going on. And they're like, why is mom accepting this? Why is dad doing this or vice versa, you know, depending on who is stepping outside of the marriage. Right? So yeah, inconvenient truth.
Nina
Yes, very inconvenient. And yeah, it's these, my boys are young-ish. I don't think they totally understand what they asked or what it means when I said yes, but it felt very empowering to just tell the truth and not pretend. And dishonesty is an epidemic on the other side of our family. Unfortunately, it's still happening. And that is something, a pattern we are breaking. And Melissa, you're always helping me understand what is in my control, what I can do, how I can parent right now, what is available to me. And I can still be a killer, just nurturing, thoughtful, present, I mean, adoring mom to these kids who have just a very, very wounded Dad, very wounded. And who knows what is going on over there, but…
Melissa
Yeah, and not to have it be your problem anymore, necessarily, as much as you can control how much of it comes into your world and how much of it stays there.
Nina
Yeah.
Melissa
Like to not have to pretend and have to fix all the time and all the fighting internally that was going on in your mind in terms of, should I stay or should I go? What's best for me? What's best for the boys? What's best for our community? What's best for our family? Like, I think very powerful to make that decision and of like honesty is the decision. Truth telling is the decision. And whatever I need to do to keep doing that, I'm going to keep doing.
Nina
Yeah. And I think you helped me really lay down the biggest boundary I've ever laid down in my entire life. You know, when it just kept happening, whatever the infidelity just kept happening. There's mental health situation going on, there's some substance abuse, and it just kept happening. And it got to the point where like, I was not equipped to handle what was next as a mother and a partner, and a human. I was not equipped. And so I had to say basically, if you don't go get bigger help outside of this home away from your children and family, then we will leave. We will separate. You know, we- I cannot do this. I choose not to participate in this anymore if you don't really focus on yourself. And that is pretty much when things broke. And that is okay with me. Because that is- those are my standards of conduct. I mean, I again, it just kept happening.
Melissa
And it would have continued happening no matter what. How has stopping pretending and telling the truth? Can you delineate how it has changed your life?
Nina
It's been really scary.
Melissa
Mm-hmm
Nina
We'll start there.
Melissa
Yeah.
Nina
This has been really scary, like we just said, this was very inconvenient for some people when I told the truth and I have to let people be wrong about me. They have a lot of judgments and letting people be wrong about you is not in my wheelhouse because I am a practiced people pleaser, practiced, I'm very, very good at it, or I was. And so this was literally like my nervous system, I mean I, this was very scary and very hard.
Melissa
Mm-hmm
Nina
And it still is at times. Melissa, you alluded to this in the beginning, but I, you know, I, Melissa's my coach. I also have a therapist and I've done a lot of trauma work with her, a modality called EMDR, to help me process a lot of these emotions. This was traumatic. This was something called betrayal trauma. So that's, betrayal trauma can happen between individuals and organizations and individuals, right? Like we think of USA Gymnastics, for example, or. Yeah. But it absolutely happens in relationships where, you know, someone or something you trust betrays you. And in my case, it was just on, on, on repeat, you know, not just the infidelity, but just the dishonesty, a lot of it. So my internal world was very shaken up and I needed a lot of help and asking for help from a therapist and a coach was the game changer. We're not meant to do this alone. We need help. And I think that's honestly the most beautiful part of taking personal responsibility is asking for help when you need it. So that's been really cool for me, especially as a parent, like encouraging my kids to ask for help. Stop pretending you got it.
Melissa
Like, and you don't have to do this on your own. Like there is no extra prize for having done it all by yourself.
Nina
No, we love bonus points. Don't we high achievers? We love brownie points, but no, that doesn't happen in real life, right? There's no gold star that comes from me. I give myself the brownie points, you know, but, um, yeah, it's so number one, it's been scary and hard and I've survived.
You know, we can do scary things. We can do hard things, especially when we have support. And I remember coming to the call once and Melissa was just, we were just checking in and we always celebrate when we first get on the call. And I was just talking about the friends I had just seen, the friends who had come to town to support me, my therapist, my coach. I'm also in a 12 step program that I'm a grateful member of and I was getting a chip that day. And you just looked at me and you were like, you're so resourced. I love how resourced you are. And I think that was really memorable to me. Just again, in going somewhere you've never been to build up some resources. We're not meant to do this alone. And my favorite version of myself, I've always been a team player, a huge athlete, huge team sports have always been a huge part of my life. And I was very good at that and very successful. And I kind of put that part of me away because it was threatening to my ex. He didn't celebrate my accomplishments. He felt threatened by them. And so that part of me went away and now she's coming back and I love collaborating and I need it. It's a huge part of who I am. So that has been useful. And it is when I'm my favorite version of myself. I'm resourced, I'm connected. I'm open and honest and curious. And when people ask me how I am, I tell them now, I'm like, how much time do you have?
And of course I do have this inner circle. I think Melissa has helped me too. You don't rip a band-aid off here. We don't do that. I started in this small group coaching program. And then I slowly went out to my oldest friends who I've known since kindergarten. And then I went out to like my local community here. And then my parents, that was big and my siblings and they just feel so betrayed too. But yeah, we do this work slowly. We do it gently. And I think that's just one of, I mean, Melissa is a savant but this is one of your… I mean, it's so lovely how gentle you are and unagendered. Is it unagendered? I mean, you've been so patient just holding me through this whole process. If we were friends, you would have been like, get that F out of this marriage like a year and a half ago. But you've been so just, you just, you can open the door but only I can walk through it. You know, you gave me all of this permission to just sit in it and work through it. And you reminded me how capable I am and that it's safe to be honest. It's safe to be honest with yourself first and then with the people that you trust.
Melissa
Yeah, I think something that you didn't say, but I want to remind you and the people listening is: it was scary and hard to do this work. It was also scary and hard to pretend for as many years as you did.
Nina
I did not think about it that way, yes.
Melissa
Right? So it's like choose the scary and hard that's going to lead you closer to your favorite version of yourself, instead of the scary and hard that keeps you revolving and getting the same results over and over and over again.
Nina
Yes, no, it's not like we've never been scared or things haven't been hard before. But no, it's totally true. And I just, I survived it. Like you can do it, you know, you can do it again, like resourced, not alone, not muscling through, not pretending, just very vulnerable and open. And I look around now and when I am in just the hurt locker, I call 12 friends and the first person who picks up, I just, I, that's where we go. Like I just, I have these people who will just be there for me and hold, I'm just so loved. I had no idea.
Melissa
Yeah. If I can only help remind you of that, like that would be my life's work. Could be done right there.
Nina
Yeah, I just let this person make me think I wasn't lovable. For a long time.
Melissa
Yeah. One of the questions that I wrote down was what were your thoughts about yourself when you were still pretending? And that's probably one of them.
Nina
Yeah. So I was either not enough or too much. There was something wrong with me. I was broken and very difficult to love.
Melissa
Yeah. And so you think about that if those are your thoughts about yourself that have been offered to you by someone who's supposed to love you.
Nina
Yeah.
Melissa
Right? You can totally make sense of why you would think I have no business leaving this.
Nina
Yeah.
Melissa
What am I going to do? Who am I going to spend my time with? Like, nobody's gonna love me. I'm going to be too much or too little for everybody else. I'm really hard to love. Like, at least this guy shows up and, you know, comes home. Pretends to.
Nina
Pretending too… or can we can we be real like there was just a lot of pretending and someone and what's so lovely about Melissa's group coaching program is she has these guests come on and her peers are all savant so you have Maggie Reyes come on as a relationship you know she's not a relationship coach she's a relationship savant and so you her peers come and guest coach and you would just have access to these amazing coaching brains and… you know Maggie tells you that like it only takes one person to show up differently to a relationship to change the trajectory right so like A plus B equals C only A or B need to change to change C right and you know I had to stop pretending that this was okay that I that I wasn't enough I just really fact-checked my beliefs and my standards of conduct and Maggie was was helpful helping me understand the personality type of my ex and have a lot of compassion for him you know which is true you know we're all doing the best we can with what we've got we really are.
Melissa
Yeah, I believe that too.
Nina
Yeah, we really are. If we knew better, we would have done better. If he knew better, he would have done better, you know, and not excusing anyone's behavior. But that helps me understand that, like, this wasn't like about me. He wasn't like, you're not enough. You suck. You're unlovable. You know, a lot of it was his stuff.
Melissa
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nina
So that's something I'm unwinding right now, too.
Melissa
Right. So good. So tell me then, what are your thoughts that you had to have in order to stop pretending? Can you crystallize those for us?
Nina
I'm worthy of honesty was my first thought so it's not even like I'm amazing and beautiful and lovable it was just I am worthy of honesty like I deserve honesty.
Nina
I mean, that was just, that's where I started. I was like, I deserve honesty. It's one of my core values. Like I can sniff it out now if someone's being dishonest. And it happens a lot. And I deserve that. That's kind of where I started.
Melissa
Yeah. And I think at some point, I'm sure during our coaching journey, I said something to you along the lines of, you know, if this was happening to one of your boys, or if one of your best friends was going through a similar situation, like what thoughts would you offer them about themselves?
Nina
Yeah.
Melissa
Right? So that's, that's usually a good starting point for those of us who have been conditioned to believe that we're not enough or too much or unlovable, whatever, whatever the case may be. Like, if you can think about it for your best friend, if you can think about it for one of your kids, if you have, have them, you know, that's usually a good kind of jumping off point.
Nina
Good point. Yeah. And that may have been something I did talk to the boys about. That's where I go first, of course, being a mom is like my most important role in my life. Besides taking care of myself now. Right after that but yeah I think you're you deserve honesty and of course my friends are like we can't wait for you to just have your mind blown in like a less toxic relationship you know yeah yeah you know they're just sort of a little they're further ahead than I am still but I think it's just just deserving is kind of like I do deserve things.
Melissa
Yeah, deserving without having to perform, deserving without having to change.
Nina
Without a transaction.
Melissa
Yeah. Exactly.
Nina
There was a lot of transaction in my marriage yeah like okay I'll give you more of that I'll give you more I wasn't this enough so I gave more of it it just nothing happened and so no just without without anything like I deserve transparency. And the big one Melissa that I always come back to is like it's I've gotten to the point where I understand that like it's a privilege for people to be in my life and it's a privilege– I've always thought this it's like such a privilege for me to go to someone's house for dinner I think it is such a gift I mean for more reasons I don't have to cook or I always help clean well now I don't always I don't really want to always help clean but you know it's such a gift and I think that way too like I love having people over and it's such a gift for me it's such a privilege for people to be in your life and people can lose that privilege like people lose that privilege.
Melissa
One of my other clients just sent me a reel the other day. And one of the sentences that I absolutely loved in the reel was access to me is available to you on a moment by moment basis. So everything's going along swimmingly and you're telling me the truth and we're being authentic and clear with each other and everything's clicking on all cylinders. And then something happens and you pretend you lie, you, you know, omit whatever it's like, okay.
Nina
Yeah.
Melissa
Like this is a moment by moment decision.
Nina
Yeah.
Melissa
It's not something just because you have a title in my life or just because we've been friends for X number of years, or it's like, Oh no. Like I get to decide on a moment by moment, interaction by interaction. And that sounds like hard and clinical but I'm telling you, it is the best way to live.
Nina
Yeah, I'll circle back. I'll circle back.
Melissa
Or maybe not. Depending on the egregiousness.
Nina
Yeah, yeah. No, but I think, you know, when we, when we pretend for as long as I have been or when we lie to ourselves, and we talked about this a lot too, Melissa, is like we, we lose this connection to ourselves, but we stop trusting ourselves. Right? I really, I didn't know if I could trust myself to make the right decisions. And so as I, as I sort of start leaning into that real, like the real me, right? Like the authentic capital S self part of me. I am learning to trust myself again and kind of have my own back when I make big decisions or, you know, when I actually stand up to my ex and have opinions. Like, no, thank you. No. And, and again, it's, it's scary in the right direction for me. Yeah, the direction of like, what's most important to me and my values and my family.
Melissa
Mm hmm. So beautiful. I love that for you and for the boys. Of course.
Nina
The self-trust is a big one, yeah, because there's been so much doubt. So that's been a huge, just a huge shift.
Melissa
Tell me if you could go back and talk to Nina before you started working with me. Like, what would you tell her?
Nina
Oh my gosh, I was just looking through one of my old journals the other day from like 2022 or something. And I, the pain that this, that that woman was in, you know, I can.. I can bring it right up. So I would just, I would just tell her like, don't wait. Stop, don't wait, like just, you know, you are so loved, you're so surrounded. I almost felt like my friends were like, almost like waiting for me. They were so responsive and available and I was so scared to tell them and I would just say, you know, you're just so loved and so supported and this pain is so unnecessary. Well, the pain happens, but the suffering is so unnecessary, like, you know, just one person just reach out. Just, I would just ask her to, I would encourage her to just courage feels terrible, but give it a shot.
And this is part of me is, this is still part of my story is like, I waited too long. You know, and you've come back to me many times and just been like, you know, you're not ready until you're ready. And it's very true, like, there was just evidence on top of evidence on top of evidence piling on my lap, like there was no denying what was going on here. And I kind of had to see that and it's still…
Melissa
So maybe you would go back and tell her like you can trust yourself.
Nina
You can trust yourself. Because there was just a lot of denial. Yeah, what you're seeing is real. You can trust yourself.
Melissa
Yeah. And like this new favorite version of you who was rediscovering all of the parts of her that she abandoned along the way out of necessity, not in a place of blame and shaming yourself. Like, why did you abandon these parts? It's like, no, I did this because I was trying to keep myself safe because I was trying to keep my children safe because I was trying to even keep my ex safe, right? Yeah. And it's like, if I can impress upon you and everybody who's listening, like the importance of like making sense of yourself without shaming and blaming, like it makes sense that you waited as long as you did. It made sense that you didn't trust yourself. It made sense that you had all this self doubt.
Nina
And even Melissa, we went back so far as to say, like, it makes sense that you married him. It makes sense that when you met him that you loved him. I mean, we went back that far. We went back even further, you know, like it all made sense. And yeah that happened on our consult when I first met you on the consultation. And that's when I had to say, yes, we should probably move forward and work together.
Melissa
I love it. I love it. Okay. Let's switch gears a little bit. And the last thing I want to talk about is just what you're excited for in the future.
Nina
Yeah, I have sort of two words this year. Authenticity is one of them. Authentic. You know, really leaning into that part of myself. And freedom. A friend of mine's been through something very similar. I don't know if she'll hear this, but she's a couple steps ahead of me. And she's like, Nina, the freedom is so light. And I'm like, I'm definitely not there yet. This has just been a really heavy year, and you know, it's delight is upon me.
I think the sense of freedom that comes from just giving myself permission to be myself, to be honest, to stop pretending, to not lie. And I say that not in a shameful way, but just to be honest, to be truthful, to trust myself. But there's so much freedom in that that I'd love to really embody and really practice and get curious about and get into.
Melissa
Yeah, have a chance to explore it. So beautiful. So beautiful. Is there anything that I didn't ask you that you want the listeners to know or to hear from you today?
Nina
Well, when does our next group start? No, you know, Melissa, you just, I don't, I don't know, I don't, I don't know where I'd be without just the permission you've given me to be myself.
Melissa
It's the honor of my life to see you come into your own and to see you, you know, when you first started coming to the calls, you were pretty desperate to feel better. Right? And now to see all of the work that you've done and to see the lightness and the brightness and the… and of course it's, you know, a couple of steps forward, a little side back, a couple of steps, like, but that is life, right. And it throws you for loop to loops and all that kind of good stuff. Um, but to see you not just surviving, but starting to thrive is such an honor for me.
Nina
Yeah, it's like these handcuffs are off. It is part of that freedom, just the possibilities have really shifted, what I might create, what I will create. And also, it almost always comes back to the kids, would I want to show them? And I have to tell you, the other day, we were sitting down with my son's ski coach for a goal-setting meeting, as the season kicks off, and there were physical goals and nutrition goals and competitive goals and then there were psychological goals. And my son, my 12 year old goes, you know, I'm really hard on myself and I'd like to learn to forgive myself when I have a bad run, when I have a bad race.
Melissa
Oh my gosh. I love him.
Nina
I love him too.
Melissa
Right? Our kids are such good teachers for us. So yeah, like yes, yes to all the forgiveness.
Nina
Yeah. And his coach goes, you know what, buddy? When you have a bad run, we give you about 30 seconds to let it out and let the F-bombs drop, like whatever he’s 12. His coach is rad, by the way.
Melissa
I love him already.
Nina
Let it go, drop them for 30 seconds, and then we evaluate, okay bud? Cause we're always looking to see what we're going to do differently, what's next, what went well, what didn't, what we're going to do different. And my son just like lit up, it just clicked. And I was like, oh my God, very cool.
Melissa
Yeah, let's make sense of why that run didn't go so well.
Nina
Yeah. Yeah. Totally.
Melissa
And then celebrate the hell out of them when they do, right?
Nina
Yeah, yeah, but that forgiveness is just a reminder. It was like, it was my moment of the day. By no means am I taking credit for it, but it was just one of those awakenings. And I was like, yeah, this is my invitation now too. It's just this forgiveness, you know, this grace and the freedom that comes with that.
Melissa
You know, what if you did give yourself permission to take some credit for it?
Nina
Okay.
Melissa
Okay. We can talk about it on our next call.
Nina
Yeah, no, you know, I wrote him a note afterwards, I wrote him a text and just said, you know, I love you so much. And I'm so proud of you. I think my favorite part of your goal setting meeting today was what you said about forgiving yourself. And it's something I'm working on to think it's something that our whole family, you know, has a hard time with. And I just love you. So I'm so proud of you. I love you so much. That was really special to hear, you know. So good. Yeah. Yeah. But if that's what's happening in my family that well, I'll take it.
Melissa
Yeah, heck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I mean, we're, as moms, I think we're so quick to take the blame when things aren't going well. But when they do things like he did at his goal setting meeting, we're like, no, I don't need to take any credit for that.
So good. And to answer your question, the next group starts in the spring. Jenny and I are talking about it. But of course, you'll have the opportunity to continue.
Nina
Yeah, cool. Thank you. Yeah, no, I wouldn't hesitate. So…
Melissa
No, I know. All right, lady. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your truth and your time. And I have a feeling that this is going to help so many of my listeners. And hopefully it'll help you when you listen to it. And I know it'll help me when I listen to it in the future too.
Nina
Yeah, totally. Thank you for having me. I'm happy to share.
Melissa
You're so welcome. It's my pleasure. All right, everybody. Come back next week. I'll have something great for you.
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