Ep 93: Me as a Client

I recently celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary and was reflecting on what happened for me and my relationship due to coaching and mentorship.

In this episode, I look back on my thoughts about my relationship with Jon before either of us received any coaching on our relationship and share the intention I had to change that relationship.

Now, I'm not here to make you compare your relationship to ours. I want to inspire you about the possibility that exists when you trust someone else who might have the tools, skills, and guidance that you might need if you want to change your relationship with anyone!

Because when you’re in your favorite version of your relationship, you’re closer to becoming your favorite version of yourself.

Click HERE to get the full show notes.

Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hello everyone - and welcome back to Your Favorite You!  Once again, I am so grateful you are here with me.

I am writing this episode on my 25th wedding anniversary and I think it is completely apropos that I will be sharing my thoughts about my relationship with Jon and my intention to change the relationship we had back before either of us received any coaching on our relationship! I am sharing this, not so that you feel the need to compare and despair if this is not the relationship you have with your partner - or to  compare and be elated that you have a much better relationship with your partner than I do -  but to inspire you about the possibility that exists when you trust someone else who might have the tools, skills, guidance that you might be needing if you want to change your relationship with anyone! It also is not meant to be a promise to you if you choose to work with a coach. My example is just that. It’s an example of what happened for me and my relationship due to coaching and mentorship. 

So, for context, I was doing a huge closet clean out 2 weekends ago - think - take each and every item out of your closet, wash the shelves down, dust everything, vacuum it out, etc, and then intentionally decide what to put back in. If I would not buy the item off the shelf today, it does not go back in my closet! If I have not worn it in 2 years, it does not go back in my closet. If it is in any way uncomfortable, it does not go back in my closet. If it’s out of style, it does not go back in my closet - you get the idea - I donated and recycled bags upon bags of things. In this cleanout, I found the paperwork I filled out on December 6, 2018, before I started working with my marriage coach, Maggie. It was 9 pages of introductions and intentions… questions for me to fill out and ponder to set the stage for our coaching relationship. I will never forget, when I was filling this out, I was actually in Arizona at a pediatric conference. I got there a day or more early to hang out with my residency bestie - Arpita - who at the time was dragging me to pediatric continuing medical education conferences… I must have gotten there several hours before Appy, because I planned to use this time to fill out these 9 pages… I bought a candle from the spa gift shop at the hotel, and the hotel had cozy blankets. I lit the candle, propped myself up on pillows, covered myself with a blanket as it was chilly in Arizona in December, and had a date with myself to fill these papers out! I took a picture of my set up and sent it to Maggie, saying, I made a date with myself to get this homework done. Later on, I found out that that was the moment when she realized that I might be a dream client! 

I wrote everything out on paper, because I know that I learn and retain info best that way… 

Answering the questions helped me get clear on what I was desiring in my life that wasn’t already there AND they helped me get clarity on the parts of my life that were already incredible. Prior to answering the questions, my brain was concentrating on everything that I wanted to change. After answering the questions, I was able to see all the amazingness I actually wanted to KEEP in my life. 

I was interested in coaching because I wanted to improve my already pretty great relationship with Jon. I wanted to work on my reactions… I knew that I was quick to anger, quick to fight, quick to defend myself. I wanted to “figure out how to stop needing to be right every single time…” I acknowledged in the writing that this was exhausting and I didn’t want to keep it up. 

The things I was looking to accomplish were more love and understanding with Jon, more listening and empathy and compassion. I wanted to be curious and stop making assumptions. 

I was pretty confident that I would succeed in making all of this happen… I wrote “Oh, I know I will” and I underlined know… my belief in my ability to change at this point was pretty high after I had achieved so much success in my first coaching endeavor. I had no reason to think that this would be any different!  

Looking back, and reading my notes, I had a willingness to try all the coaching homework and exercises I might have gotten. I was willing to put in the time. I was willing to be vulnerable. I had made a commitment to myself that I wanted to honor and I knew that it was going to take work to get from where I was to where I wanted to be.

At the time, I had two big fears in my life - I will quote myself as I share them with you now. 

I was afraid that if we continue to argue as much and as often as we are, that we will end up miserable. I must comment here and add that things between us have gotten so much better in the past year, since I found and shared life coaching with Jon. I am worried that if I don’t get help that we will not be able to break our cycle of arguing, saying things we don’t mean, retreating, apologizing, making up - without ever getting to the root of the problem… If we don’t figure this out we won't be able to find lasting happiness and contentment.

And I am afraid that once our boys move out, they will not want to come home and spend time with us or share their families with us if we keep this pattern up. This was a huge driver in my seeking out coaching for my relationship with Jon. We really started preparing for it to be just the two of us several years before it would actually happen. I really deeply cared about Jon and our relationship and I want to ensure we were united and actually wanted to be together when the boys moved out. Now that this is actually happening - literally next weekend, Jack is moving to his first house, and I am so grateful that we had the foresight to know that this was something we wanted to be intentional about. 

When I was asked to ponder my biggest or most significant accomplishment up until 2018 and why it was meaningful to me, it helped me see how proud I was in my career as a pediatrician. I wrote “Being a badass pediatrician! Being sought after in my community because people realize that I am a hard worker. I care about them - the kids and their parents. That I am not afraid to admit when I don’t know something. That I am human and authentic. It is a huge honor to have people entrusting me with their children’s health”

It’s so interesting. As I am re-reading this right now one of the things that made me an awesome doc was admitting when I didn’t know something! I am just making this realization that me admitting when I am not right and not all-knowing also makes me a great relationship partner! I kid you not when I tell you that this is the very first time I am having this realization! Of course it is the same! HUH? Who knew? Not me, until about 60 seconds ago! 

When I was asked to think on what I might regret NOT accomplishing or experiencing in my relationship, I came up with the following answer… 

I would regret not decreasing my simmering anger, realizing that we love each other very much but are stuck in a pattern and don’t know how to change course. I want to try to come at every interaction with love first. 

I want to show our boys what a loving, respectful, playful, happy marriage looks like. 
(Now I know that I simply needed to learn the idea that rupture happens in every relationship. We just had to get better at the repair part!)

I also wrote that I want a peaceful home. The volatility is not healthy for any of us and none of us like feeling it. It doesn’t feel good to try to avoid it, doesn’t feel good when we’re in the middle of it, and it doesn’t feel great even after it has passed… (now I know that this was because we never really got to WHY we were fighting in the first place… it turns out that 90% of all relationship fights come down to old wounds you have from prior relationships… so only 10% of what you are fighting about actually has to do with each other… once we figured that out, and got to working on our own wounding, we were cooking with gas!)  Jon loves it when I use cooking analogies because I can’t cook. Hopefully he’s laughing.

I came to several realizations in doing the exercise… that my life, just as it is, is pretty amazing and that I had lots to be grateful and thankful for. 

Things I wanted to change were my insatiable need to be right all the time, managing my anger - handling myself better when I was triggered or my buttons were pushed, and I wanted to learn how to create safety in our relationship, specifically in our communication. I really wanted to heal my old wounds, have Jon do the work to heal his, and for us to go forward with love. 

I acknowledged that I was going to need to be willing to make sacrifices to make these changes…I wrote “I am willing to give lots of my time to this work. I am willing to feel all the feelings. I am willing to go into the ‘river of misery’ and tread water there until I come out on the other side” Just for those of you who have never had coaching… the river of misery refers to the messy middle of coaching… where you know that a healthier relationship with yourself and/or others is on the other side if you just keep going and learning and failing forward as you try new things!

Filling out my coach’s inventory also helped me recognize how much JOY I was already experiencing in my life. When asked to describe my current experience of joy I wrote, “I experience joy daily. My boys make me laugh most days. Jon does too. I love it when we belly laugh together. I love being on vacation with him, away from the stress of daily life. I have a great small group of friends who bring me joy. My yoga practice and my meditation practice bring me peace and joy. My cute patients often bring me joy - nothing better than a healthy, giggling 4 month old to bring you joy! 

Interestingly, now that I have had coaching for the past 6 years and we have made significant changes, I don’t need to be on vacation and away from my daily life in order to feel peace and joy. I think I would do all the coaching again just to have this result in my life! 

When I was asked to question whether or not I feel supported in my relationship with Jon, I wrote “Absolutely. He does so much for me and for our boys. He wants to be the best husband, dad, and doctor that ever lived. He really thrives on doing things for our family. He has been uber-supportive this past year.” I will add here that he has been my biggest champion as I have started and maintained and struggled and thrived in this business for the past 4 years. He was only the tiniest bit skeptical when I decided to leave medicine, and that really did help me slow down and powerfully decide that I was done with my first passion and ready for a new adventure. 

I loved this question, and this is how I am going to end this episode. What do you want other people to know about you? That I am hilarious, fun-loving, hard-working. That I get up every day with the intention to try to make life better for my people - my hubby, my boys, my friends, my patients/now clients, and their families. I want other people to know that I believe everyone deserves to be treated well and to have happiness.

I don’t think that it is an accident that I found all of this evidence of how far we have come over the past 6 years two weeks before our wedding anniversary and three weeks before our oldest bird flies the nest. I want to celebrate that Jack is cooking dinner for us for our anniversary tonight and we are eating at home, together as a family to celebrate 25 years! 

Happy 25th Anniversary Jonathan Philip Parsons, Sr. I love you and this life we have created with so much intention and love for our family. Here’s to the next 25! 

Hey. It's still me. If you're listening to this podcast you might have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes, but you still feel like something is missing. 

If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to put yourself first –without guilt or apology–and treat yourself as your own best friend, I’m here to support you. 

As a certified life coach, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace your authentic self. 

In our coaching sessions, whether one-on-one or in a group setting, we’ll work together to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. You’ll learn effective communication strategies, boundary setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can’t guarantee specific outcomes as everyone's journey is unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. 

With more than a sprinkle of humor, and a lot of compassion, I’ll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

If you're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com. Go to the Work with Me page and book a consultation call. We can chat about your challenges and how I can support you.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching starting in late August. 

Thanks for tuning in, and remember: You’re fucking amazing just as you are.