Ep 91: Disappointment

When was the last time you were disappointed by someone's behavior? Was the behavior one they've repeated over and over again, that you really shouldn't be surprised by at this point?

In this episode, I'll offer the perspective that you weren't disappointed in them. You were disappointed in yourself.

That person has shown you who they are, and they are probably never going to change. Why do you keep believing that they will?

You have the power to change the situation once you understand that you can’t change them. We'll look at several examples of how you can set boundaries for yourself so you can stop the cycle of being disappointed.

Click HERE to get the full show notes.

Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hi - welcome back to Your Favorite You.

Today, we are talking about one of everyone’s favorite topics - Disappointment!

Just kidding. It’s not everyone’s favorite topic.

I am going to be talking about it from an angle that you might not yet have entertained.

I had an experience recently where I found myself disappointed in the actions of someone that I have had a really long relationship with. I was really surprised by this particular thing I had found out about my loved one. 

I was thinking deeply about it, and shared it with Jon - and he was surprised that I was surprised. He wasn’t the least bit surprised… so why was I? 

I have come to realize that I was surprised because I was actually disappointed in myself! One of my favorite quotes to live by is Maya Angelou’s - When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time! 

I found myself in the same trap I have fallen into so many times with this person! Spoiler alert to me and any of you listening that may relate to this! This person is probably NEVER going to change. It is up to me to decide how I want to relate to this person going forward. 

This is something that comes up often in coaching. A technique that I have my clients employ is one I learned years ago… I cannot recall who taught me this, so I will not be able to give credit where credit is due… Just know that although a lot of what I share here is an alchemy of all the coaching and teaching and trauma work and and and basically all of the things that I have learned over my lifetime and really honed in on these past 5 years…  this particular idea is not a Melissa Parsons original! When you are relating to other people - maybe you go to a family event - or you go to a meeting with your colleagues… you can envision yourself as the observer of animals at the zoo… There you are, at the meeting, at the gathering of your family, at the zoo… you’re looking at the animals… watching what they do... so, of course the monkeys are swinging and howling… that’s what monkeys do… of course some of the lions are lazing about and sleeping in the sun and others of them are roaring loudly… that’s what lions do… 

Translating this to some real life examples… you go to spend a Sunday with your dad and your stepmom, and your stepmom starts warning you and your kids of all the dangers in the world… never seeing the positive in life… of course she is… this is what she has always done since she came into your family 20 years ago… there’s no need to be surprised by this every time it happens. You do get to decide how often you spend time with her. You do get to decide if you want to debate with her on these things. You do get to decide to talk about it with your kids afterwards, how it’s interesting that this is how grandma sees the world, and that you choose to see it differently. These discussions after being with family are really the most amazing ones you can have with your kids. What most of us do instead of observing and discussing with our kiddos after the event is try to change Grandma… we ask her not to bring up the shitty things that are happening in the world… we ask her not to gossip about other family members. You have probably already done this… and she keeps it up every time you visit. Why? Because you can’t change her. You never could. You can stop trying and employ this new technique and see how much peace it gives you. As your kids get older, it often will give you lots of laughs with them too. 

Another example -  you go to your work meeting and your partner disagrees with you about nearly everything, no matter what… she seems to disagree simply for the sake of disagreeing… of course she does… this is her MO… there is no need to be surprised by this. She likely is never going to change. You can spend lots of time being disappointed and surprised by this, or you can get creative in how you choose to relate to her. Thinking - hmmm - every time in the past when I have zigged, she has zagged… what might happen when I zag first? What happens when I change MY behavior in this relationship? 

Another example, your uncle gets drunk at every holiday family gathering and starts spouting off his racist and misogynistic beliefs… of course he does… no need to be surprised by this… you can almost have the countdown of how many beverages he has before he starts in - if your kids are old enough, you can have a family bet - I suggest the over/under - he’s likely not going to change his racist and misogynistic ideas, and you know FOR sure that his ranting is not going to change YOUR mind. You do get to decide if you will participate in family activities where he is present. You also get to decide if you go how long you will stay. You get to create a boundary for yourself. Once he starts in, I will leave, for example… Not, you can’t say that Uncle Ted… cuz, yes he can, and he probably just did… but, if Uncle Ted starts spouting off, it is our cue to leave. And then you actually leave when he starts in. Or, if not participating is more in alignment with not disappointing yourself, you can have the boundary that if Uncle Ted is going to be there, I will not be there. 

One final example - there are many more where this came from, trust me…  your brother-in-law is a conspiracy theorist, constantly sharing his beliefs on his Facebook page, or commenting on your posts with his ideas, arguing with your friends… Every time he does this you are surprised… but why? Of course he does this. You can choose to engage with him. You can choose to ignore him. You can choose to unfriend him. You are in control of your own thoughts and feelings and actions here… You know for sure that you can’t control him. The beauty of that is that he for sure can’t control you, either! The block and unfriend button can become your faithful companion… 

So, if you find yourself constantly feeling disappointed by how other people in your life are acting, I will lovingly point out to you that you likely are disappointed in yourself… for thinking that anyone is going to act any differently than they always have. Now, sure, of course, will there be exceptions to this? Of course, there may be people who, like you, choose to make changes in how they relate to themselves and the world… There are lots of us out here doing just that. And, you can’t rely on anyone else not to disappoint you. That is why the work of learning how NOT to disappoint yourself is so crucial in becoming your favorite version of yourself. 

I would love to show you how this is done. 

Right now, you have two different opportunities to work with me. For those of you who want to get started right away, I am offering one-on-one coaching. For those of you willing to wait for our next group coaching cohort to open up, you can join my waiting list. The next group coaching cohort starts in late August… so you can join your kids or your nieces and nephews as they go back to school… you can go back to school to learn all the tools and techniques I have to offer you as you work to become a favorite version of yourself! To work with me one-on-one, go to melissaparsonscoaching.com site and click on the work with me tab. To sign up for the group waitlist, go to the same site and click on the group tab. I can’t wait to see you there! 

Ok folks - see you next week.

Hey. It's still me. If you're listening to this podcast you might have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes, but you still feel like something is missing. 

If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to put yourself first –without guilt or apology–and treat yourself as your own best friend, I’m here to support you. 

As a certified life coach, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace your authentic self. 

In our coaching sessions, whether one-on-one or in a group setting, we’ll work together to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. You’ll learn effective communication strategies, boundary setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can’t guarantee specific outcomes as everyone's journey is unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. 

With more than a sprinkle of humor, and a lot of compassion, I’ll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

If you're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com. Go to the Work with Me page and book a consultation call. We can chat about your challenges and how I can support you.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching starting in late August. 

Thanks for tuning in, and remember: You’re fucking amazing just as you are.